Your Horoscope

This is your horoscope for the week of July 1st through July 7th.

Aries : March 21 - April 19

Something is going to happen to you this week. It might be something good, it might be something bad. It might not even be something you realize is happening (see, a fly hitting your windshield) but something will most definitely happen to you this week. We think. It's pretty likely. Maybe...


Taurus : April 20 - May 20

Every day this week is going to be the exact same as the one before. You'll wake up to your alarm, you'll go to work, you'll make it through your day in a monotonous haze punctuated by two ten minute breaks and one one hour lunch period, and then you'll go home to your pet Iguana and watch re-runs of Star Search until you fall asleep on the couch.


Gemini : May 21 - June 20

One day this week you'll read your horoscope. Odds are that's today, since you're reading this. I'm good, huh? You'll be surprised at how the vaguely non-specific events outlined in said horoscope could be stretched to refer to something that actually did happen to you and you'll wonder if maybe those astrology nuts might be onto something after all.


Cancer : June 21 - July 22

This week will be less stressful than the last. Your mother's cancer's in remission, you got paid friday and you're out of the woods of poor finance, and your boyfriend will come back a few days early from vacation and brighten up your day. Also, your boss is gonna die (he's a Libra) and you never liked him anyway, so yay!


Leo : July 23 - August 22

That special someone you've had your eye on for a little while now is finally going to notice you today. You'll look at them, they'll look up at you, make brief but meaningful eye contact, and then look away. It's important that you don't panic here, the next few moments will determine your future happiness. You need to continue watching them, but not in a creepy staring kind of way. Soon they'll look up at you again, this time, smile shyly, but don't look away. They'll smile back, and then in a few moments they'll come up to you and introduce themselves. Of course, you already know their name because you've been stalking them for quite some time now, but pretend you have no idea who they are anyway so they don't get creeped out, you know they're the only one for you and once you get your arms around them just squeeze as tight as you can and never let go.


Virgo : August 23 - September 22

This one's hazy. See, the planets and stars concerning your fate are currently passing through the path of the kuiper belt, making it hard to determine exactly what they're saying about you. There is something about a car, probably some food, an exchange of goods or services for services...and what appears to be a Llama eating guava fruit...which is strange, because Llama's don't eat guava. Good luck with that.


Libra : September 23 - October 22

You're going to die. Sorry, but you asked. You'll either get crushed while scrubbing the backside of an elephant at the zoo where you work or you'll fall off of the scaffolding while painting your mural in Time Square protesting the lack of Orange and Blue Camouflage in the military (Color-ism is just another form of Racism in your book).


Scorpio : October 23 - November 21

Wow. I uh...I can't even bring myself to tell you what's gonna happen to you this week... Man, I'm so sorry right now, I just hope you're lucky and it goes quick. Listen, I'm not supposed to do this, messin' with fate and all, but dude...on Saturday, um, around lunchtime, you know, the 11:00 to 2:00 vicinity, stay away from wheelbarrows, muskrats, motor oil, and ear/nose hair trimmers. Seriously. You see any of those things, I want you to run. Run your ass off.


Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21

This week is going to be hard. You're going to make some poor decisions, you're going to find yourself in confusing situations, you're going to get hurt and you're going to hurt someone you care about. Trust that it'll get better, that life will improve, that there's someone out there who'd never hurt you like people have in your past. Trust that everything will be alright.

Whatever helps you sleep at night kid.


Capricorn : December 22 - January 19

Your backpacking trip in the Rockies is going to be cut tragically short when a bear mauls your guide so badly he's completely disfigured. Oh, and dead. So, no guide out of the woods. And a partially satiated bear who's going to start chasing the rest of you as soon as he finishes his meal. Just remember, you don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest person in your group. And hope that a rescue team finds you because you have no food and no idea how to get out of those damn mountains.


Aquarius : January 20 - February 18

Things are going to just fall into place for you this week. Anything you try your hand at will come out as a glowing success. Unfortunately, your aspirations are unlikely to be anything more noble than making the perfect meatball sandwich or doing a backflip off your friend's diving board. Sure, you could try to bring peace to the world, and the stars say you'd probably succeed, but you'd rather be the best Beer-Pong player in the world for one week, right? Jack-ass.


Pisces : February 19 - March 20

Looks like someone close to you is going to die this week. And by close, I don't mean like, a family member or someone you care about, I mean someone physically near to your person is going to die. Pretty horrifically too. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's not gonna be pretty, and you're definitely going to get some of their pieces on you. You'll probably be standing in line at a Starbucks or something when a hunk of fecal matter that got dropped off of a jumbo jet plummets through the ceiling and squishes the person in front of you. Don't say I didn't warn you, don't wear anything really nice to Starbuck's this week ok?