Your Horoscope 03

Aries : March 21 - April 19

One day this week you'll wake up and be surprised to find you've been transformed into Janeane Garofalo. Or at least, your physical appearance now matches hers exactly. Your personality and thoughts will still be your own. The weirdest part of all this though, is that you'll be Janeane Garofalo as seen in the backwards superhero comedy, "Mystery Men". You'll even have a bowling ball bag with a skull embedded bowling ball in it. Don't worry, this is a common occurence and in most cases the effects will fade in about 12 days. You might as well enjoy it while you can. Make TV appearances where you make an idiot out of yourself, do all sorts of embarrassing things while everyone thinks you're someone else. Maybe that explains why Janeane Garofalo seems like such an idiot, 'cuz everyone else is running around doing stupid things and pretending that they're her. I wish I had that excuse.

Taurus : April 20 - May 20

Today is your lucky day my friend, the one and only Ed McMahon with American Family Publishing is going to come knocking at your door! Of course, he's only there because he can't find the house he's supposed to be at. But for a few seconds you'll have the amazing rush that comes from thinking you've won a giant million dollar check. When he explains the misunderstanding and asks for directions, you'll be in a state of pseudo-shock and you'll numbly point him to your neighbor's house across the street. He'll apologize for the inconvenience and as compensation offer you an autographed portrait of himself. Take it, thank him politely and go back inside. Most importantly, do NOT kill your neighbor who won the million dollars with the sniper rifle you bought at the Army surplus store down on Madsen St.


Gemini : May 21 - June 20

This week you'll finally have everything you always thought you wanted. You'll finish moving into your new house on the hill overlooking the beach. Your restored Mustang will be in the garage under a tarp and the landscapers will be coming next week to put in your pool. You've got more money than you could ever spend, and you're gonna take advantage of that fact by throwing a wicked house-warming party for yourself. All of your friends will come, there'll be drinking and loud music and good times will be had by all. You'll stand in the sweltering heat of a hundred bodies in your mansion with your rich and beautiful friends as the sound of loud music and a dozen shouted conversations washes over you...and in the deafening sound, in the feeling of mingling sweat, in the taste of alcohol, in the reek of bodies and smoke, and surrounded by the overwhelming crowd...you'll still feel alone.


Cancer : June 21 - July 22

This week you'll discover that you're colorblind, fairly severely so. This will be a partial blessing, because now your girlfriend has to stop bitching about you not remembering what color her eyes are, but it's also a curse since your life's goal has been to become an interior decorator. And unfortunately your particular brand of color-blindness is one of the most severe, you are unable to distinguish between blue, red, and green. Those are kind of the primaries, so you're basically screwed. Sorry.


Leo : July 23 - August 22

Every day this week, starting tomorrow, you're going to lose an extremity. Now, this could be as simple as a fingertip, or as extreme as your head. I don't know for sure, I just know that by the time week is over, you'll be short four digits. If it were me, I'd hope for my toes to go, seems like that'd be the easiest to live without, and the funnest to show off at the beach.


Virgo : August 23 - September 22

This week you'll discover that your charming robo-dog (who you've dubbed "fluffy" because it was funny in an ironic sort of way since he doesn't have any fur) is actually the harbinger of the long awaited robo-ocalypse, also known as robo-geddon, robo-narok, and Judgment Day. I.E. the war between humans and robots. A glitch in the wiring in your particular robo-dog is going to allow it to not only become self aware, but also instill in it the ability to "awaken" other electronic devices and enlist them in its cause. Oh right, its cause happens to be the extermination of all humans, since you were such a rotten master. That naturally makes it your responsibility to stop the little bastard. His only weakness (aside from having his belly scratched) is the game known as "fetch". He came with this special little stick embedded with a tracking device and he's hardwired to go searching for it whenever you command him to "fetch". So all you have to do is put it somewhere he can't get to it and tell him to fetch. Keep an eye on that little bastard though, he's crafty, and if he ever gets his way you'll be the one doing the fetching. Also, remember that he never has to sleep like regular dogs, so if you go to bed there's a good chance he'll kill you in your sleep. Seriously, he's one screwed up evil robo-dog.


Libra : September 23 - October 22

This week, outside of your local Piggly Wiggly, you'll be approached by a tall man in a suit with dark glasses. He'll ask you if you're willing to sign a release form to appear on a television special called "Street Magic 2 : David Blaine's Struggle to Remain Relevant". You've always been a huge David Blaine fan so you'll gladly sign the release, as well as a special non-disclosure agreement (NDA) that prohibits you from giving away any of his secrets. The man himself will approach you a few minutes later with camera crew in tow. You'll hardly be able to contain your excitement as he introduces himself. He'll begin with his traditional levitation trick, but from where you're standing you'll be able to see that his toes never actually leave the ground, it just looks like it from the camera's angle. The producer will signal at you to look impressed anyway, and you'll do your best to fake it, hoping that maybe ol' Davey's just having an off day. Then they'll cut the cameras for a second while David asks you to hold a few things in various places. A 3 of Diamonds in your back pocket, a locket with his picture on it around your neck, and a twenty dollar bill with a large red "X" on it in your wallet. He'll also ask if you own a watch. You'll tell him no, and he'll pull one out of his own pocket and show it to you, instructing you to pretend that it's yours when he shows it to you for the camera. With the cameras rolling again he'll proceed to fool millions of people with his magic while you numbly watch your last bastion of belief in the goodness of humanity erode out from under you with every fake trick and shoddy illusion. When he pulls out the watch and asks if it's yours, you'll simply shake your head "no", having learned your lesson about believing everything you see on tv. You'll walk, disgusted, back to your house to watch "The Bachelorette". You know they'd never lie to you, and you really think she has a chance for true love with one of those guys.


Scorpio : October 23 - November 21

Today's your lucky day my friend, the one and only Ed McMahon with American Family Publishing is going to come knocking at your door. You'd forgotten all about entering that contest almost four months ago now, so your surprise upon seeing the camera crew on your doorstep and Ed's smiling face with a giant million dollar check in hand will be extreme and genuine. After the mini-interview, some heartfelt thanks, and a bit of paperwork that they don't film because it ruins the image, you'll take your giant prop check and your real paper check back into the house with you and marvel at how your life has changed. You'll think about all those plans you made jokingly with your friends about what you'd do if you had a million dollars, buy a house, a k-car, a green dress, all those kinds of things. You'll consider quitting your job, you'll call your family, a few friends, and your significant other to let them all know the good news. Now...I don't wanna put a damper on your fine spirits, but there's a good chance that your neighbor across the street is going to murder you so....spend your last few minutes wisely, k? And, try to stay away from any street-facing windows, and start just randomly ducking throughout the day. It helps to walk in kind of a weave pattern too, swerving side to side randomly, and altering your speed so it's hard for him to "lead the target", as snipers are wont to do.

Good luck with that.


Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21

You made an important decision earlier this week. Another one is coming up that will test your resolve. You usually second guess yourself into doubt so strong that you go back on your decision and take the other route instead. Don't do that this time. Your second decision this week will be whether or not to uphold the first one you made. You need to stay strong just this once, don't cave, don't change your mind, don't go back on your choice. If you fail again to stick to your guns, it'll just be another in a long line of instances where your resolve wasn't strong enough. You have to trust your instinct, and that you made the right choice. Hope for the best, expect the worst, and stick to it.


Capricorn : December 22 - January 19

Love life and wealth are both looking good for you this week, be open to new relationships and business opportunities. However, your travel rating is down the drain, I'd highly recommend that you don't use any mode of transportation other than a bicycle to get around, as anything more complicated will have a heightened chance of malfunctioning on you this week. Actually, even a bike is probably a bad idea. See, I just realized that it's fairly likely that the chain will snap and become entangled in your *ahem* area (you really shouldn't bike nude anymore, just as a side note) causing your to lose your balance due to the indescribable anguish and swerve into oncoming traffic, where you'll most likely do an endo (short for "end over end") over a speeding taxi cab (with the bike's chain, and therefore the bike, still attached to your nether region) landing in a rose bush with the bike on top of you, the handle bars jammed into the ground, effectively pinning you, nude, to the ground. Did I mention the indescribable anguish?


Aquarius : January 20 - February 18

You're going to be given the wrong prescription by accident when you visit your hospital (which also happens to be a top secret government lab for testing bio-weapons) this week. You went in for some of what you like to call "happy pills" (you got hooked on Vicodin back when you had that knee injury a few months ago, remember?), but unbeknownst to you and the secret government scientists, the bumbling intern accidentally swapped your prescription with the sample of the new biological agent known only as "The Z-Virus" that was supposed to be sent to Washington. The pills are part of an experiment to find a way to put a soldier injured in the field into a state of suspended animation without expensive technology so that they can survive until proper medical facilities are available. This early version succeeds only in inducing a state of reduced operational logic and motor skills in humans that reduces them to the most basic of instincts, to feed. It also lowers their reliance on the life-giving systems of blood flow and oxygenation. Effectively, it creates "Zombies". Upon ingesting the medicine, you'll become a carrier of the dreaded "Z-Virus", but an abnormality in your bloodstream shared by only one in a hundred thousand people will render you immune to it's negative effects. You'll still gain the increased strength and survivability the disease offers, and you'll still be able to infect others with as little as a touch, but you will not succumb to the Zombifying effects of the disease. Of course you realize that once the virus breaks out and the world is in upheaval, you will have to rise up as the earth's savior. You are... the Zombie Slayer. Go, and wreak havoc on the legions of undead laying waste to all that you once held dear.


Pisces : February 19 - March 20

This week you're going to fall in love. At least, that's how it will feel. Let me go ahead and pop that bubble right now though, before your "lover" does it for you in a much harsher fashion. You see, those fairy tales you were raised on that talk about true love and happily ever after? Yeah, those are bullshit. You know all those Elton John and Coldplay songs that make you feel so warm and fuzzy inside, like you know the right person is out there, you just have to find them? Yeah, those are bullshit too. You know Monica and Chandler? Ross and Rachel? Jack and Rose? Romeo and Juliet? All bullshit. There's no perfect person out there for you or for anyone else. You've gotta stop looking for the perfect someone right now because if you don't, and you keep looking for the fairytale version of love, you're never going to be anything but disappointed. Make that decision now, because the person you meet this week is going to be damn good, but not perfect. And you need to decide right now whether you're going to accept that no one's perfect and try and make it work, or you're going to keep looking for your fairy tale prince or princess and let this one go, because it's not fair to keep them around only to drop them when you realize they don't match the vision you had built up in your head.