Your Horoscope 04

This is your horoscope for the week of July 22nd through July 28th.

This week's horoscope is a special Movies Horoscope! See if you can't guess what popular films of the last 25 years were drawn from to write these bizarrely witty horoscopes! And remember, always look on the bright side of life! Hoorah!

Aries : March 21 - April 19

This week, just moments after you and your archaeological team discover a pair of nearly perfectly preserved Velociraptor skeletons, a wealthy old man will endanger your find by landing his helicopter dangerously close to the dig site. Upon entering your trailer, you'll find the old fart opening a bottle of you champagne. He'll offer you exorbitant amounts of money to accompany him to his private island of giant prehistoric man-eating beasts. If you accept, about half of your team will die, but they're mostly jerks anyway. Plus, you'll learn a little bit about yourself, and come to grips with your bizarre phobia of children. I say, go for it!


Taurus : April 20 - May 20

This week you moved into a new apartment in California, on account of your single mom getting work out here on the left coast. You'll make some friends your first day here and join them for a party at the beach, only to unintentionally piss of the leader of the local high school's biker gang and get the shit kicked out of you. Your new friends will abandon you, and the biker gang will trash your bike. Fear not though, the biker dude's ex girlfriend will fall for you (mostly out of sympathy) and the kindly old Japanese handi-man at your new apartment complex will fix your bike up free of charge. If you're nice to the guy, he'll probably save your life, give you a free car, and help you win the upcoming karate championship against the aforementioned biker dude, so I'd make sure to go in there and thank him for fixing your bike. And don't use the words "chink" or "Atomic Bomb" while you're talking to him. Things like that are just plain rude.


Gemini : May 21 - June 20

This week, your drummer is going to break his arm by being somehow falling while trying to vault over a three foot tall parking meter on the very same day you're supposed to be playing at your college talent show. Your guitar player is going to recommend that punk from the appliance store down on South Street who used to play drums, but I wouldn't listen to him. See, if you do, he'll first off ruin your song by playing it way too fast, then he'll somehow assert himself as the frontman of the band, calling all the shots and making all the decisions. Then, he'll start to turn all the other bandmates against you. Lastly, he'll steal your girl and break up the band in the same night, leaving you utterly alone and destitute. Believe me, you'll be much happier just bowing out of the talent show, taking over the family business when your dad retires, and settling down with Faye and having a few kids.


Cancer : June 21 - July 22

This week, your dad will come home from his business trip to the far east with a little surprise for you. A kind of cross between a Koala bear and a bunny rabbit. The underground pet store your dad bought it from will have instructed him to tell you not to feed the creature past midnight, to keep it away from water, and to keep it out of bright light. Here's an idea, DO WHAT THE MAN SAYS. Seriously, these things may look cute now, but if you start breaking that chinaman's rules they're gonna get nasty, and there's gonna be a whole lot more of them. So come on, do us all a favor and observe the proper care and feeding of your new pet Mogwai, mmkay?


Leo : July 23 - August 22

This week, after you're elected mayor of a small but profitable island town just off the coast in the Pacific Ocean, the new Sheriff will start to make a fuss about the beaches. He'll be bitching about every little thing from tourists not obeying traffic laws to killer sharks prowling the waters. He'll try to convince you to close the beach, but don't listen. I mean come on, worst case scenario right? The shark kills a handful of people, the sheriff goes out on a boat with a scientist and a crazy old sailor, they kill the shark, and the sheriff gets handed all the blame! Best of all, the beach stays open and you keep your constituents happy. The people who die will mostly be punk kids and snobby old rich people, most won't even be locals. It's a win-win-win situation! Anyway, that's just my two cents.


Virgo : August 23 - September 22

This week, you'll be apprehended by a holdover group of German Nazi Fundamentalists searching for a Legendary biblical artifact to aid them in their goal of global conquest. You won't be tortured, they won't even bother to search your bags for the little black book that holds the secret to the artifact's location. Also, your son will rescue you and you'll embark on a wild and exciting chase across Europe to try to beat the Germans to their goal. You'll come face to face with death more than once, you'll face adversity and you'll triumph. You'll learn a little bit about yourself, and you'll grow closer to your estranged son, finally feeling like a real father. Damn you're corny...


Libra : September 23 - October 22

This week your best friend is going to risk your very lives by betting every last cent either of you have in a poker game! It's a stupid move, but fortunately for him it'll pay off, and you'll both win passage on a boat home from Europe. I highly recommend that you don't go with him. If his behavior up till now hasn't proven how disloyal of a friend he is, just wait till you get on the boat. He'll almost immediately meet some spoiled redhead and promptly forget you even exist, only hanging out with you when he gets bored pretending to be rich and snobby. Oh, another reason not to go is um, the boat's gonna sink. Just about everyone's gonna die, including you. So yeah, two good reasons not to get on the boat, Jack's an asshole, and it's gonna sink and you'll most likely die.


Scorpio : October 23 - November 21

This week, while you're out sick from school, your "best friend" (I put that in air quotes because you're a good friend to him, but he treats you like shit) will call you up asking for a ride, seeing as he's ditching school today as well. You'll spend a good hour debating whether or not to go help him out. Let me just stop you right there, don't. Come on man, grow a pair, he's a jerk, and you know he's just using you for a ride. *sigh* I know, you're the good guy, right? And you remember those times when he used to be a good friend, and you feel guilty for letting him down, yeah? Well consider this, you help this guy out, he's gonna make you drive him all around the city while he makes out with his girlfriend and you're left staring at trippy dot paintings in some stupid museum. Best of all, you'll have a nervous breakdown and he'll indirectly cause the destruction of your dad's classic Ferrari. Just stay home, drink your orange juice, have some chicken soup, and make some new loser friends, that guy's bad news.


Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21

This week, you'll be walking late at night and you'll hear music. It's somber and intense, it'll almost move you to tears. You'll find at it's source a young man with a guitar, playing like he's on stage, and singing as though to the girl of his dreams. You'll try to talk to him, and at first he'll seem abrasive and rude, but don't give up. He's cynical and he's been hurt, but underneath is a beautiful gift, and the bond you two will share will be deeper than friendship, deeper than romance. You'll make beautiful music together, and really...what greater gift can a person give than that of music. Music which comes from the heart...the very soul of a person is in their music, and the intertwining of your two souls will create some of the sweetest strains to grace the ears of mankind.

Please, believe in him, that he might believe in himself.


Capricorn : December 22 - January 19

This week is the week you'll implement your plan to rob the vault of one of the richest multinational corporations in the United States. The first few phases of your plan will go off without a hitch, but soon you'll notice that something is awry. It appears that an upstart police officer is loose in the building, and that somehow his head's been filled with delusions of grandeur that have led him to believe he can singlehandedly defeat a dozen well trained and heavily armed terrorists lead by one of the greatest criminal masterminds of our time (that's you by the way). Now, let me give you some advice, when you have the opportunity to kill this man (and you will), don't waste time talking, don't freaking monologue, don't wait for him to say "yippee kai-ay mother f*cker", just shoot him! Honestly, it'll save you a lot of time. It'd be best if you gave the same instructions to your men. Like, as an example, if one of them is standing on a table that he's hiding under, instruct them to shoot, without hesitating, and not to make some snide remark before pulling the trigger. Honestly, it'll save you a lot of trouble. Oh, and this way you'll actually succeed in your scheme, rather than getting dropped from a fortieth floor window.


Aquarius : January 20 - February 18

This week when the dog belonging to the bum down at the end of the pier is discovered to be the only witness to its owner's murder, your Sergeant down at the station will assign you to be his caretaker and give you the task of finding out whatever information you can from the foul beast. After a few absurd hijinx and some difficult times with the dog, you'll find that maybe he's not so bad, he just needed someone to love. You'll even fall in love with your local veterinarian thanks to the little bugger. Of course, he'll die a few days later, but you'll catch the bad guy and get the girl, so who gives a rat's ass about a stupid dog?


Pisces : February 19 - March 20

This week, some familiar faces will come into your night club. Yes, of all the Gin Joints in all the towns in all the world, she'll walk into yours. Her and her new lover will be running from the Nazi's, trying to get to America. She'll try to convince you to help them, with tickets, a place to stay, protection. She'll make your piano player sing your favorite love song, she'll reminisce with you about the good times in Paris, she'll use all of her considerable feminine wiles to enlist your aid in her plight. All the while, her new lover is watching from the shadows, and you know in your heart you'll never get her back. Listen to me man, don't do it. It's not worth it, mmkay? And for god's sakes, if you do, for whatever reason, help them out of you misguided thoughts of patriotism and loyalty, then when they're about to get on the last plane out of Casablanca, and she says she doesn't want to go, that she wants to stay with you? YOU LET HER STAY. Don't give her some self righteous tripe about how she needs to leave, I want you to take her in your arms and kiss her like she's never been kissed. Send that new husband off in the rainy night on his own, and live happily ever after with the girl of your dreams. Doesn't that sound nice?

Oh, and shoot that one army dude, he's an ass.