Your Horoscope 02

This is your Horoscope for the week of July 8th - July 15th

Aries : March 21 - April 19

Ok, bear with me, I know this is gonna sound a little crazy. You're going to be abducted by aliens. Hey, the stars don't lie. They're gonna run experiments on you (no anal probes, that's SO just a cliche perpetuated by the popular media) and do all kinds of weird tests. Even a living autopsy, where they put you in a state of suspended animation so they can cut you open and look at your insides but you don't die. The thing of it is, they'll erase your memory and put you back in your bed. If you have any memories at all it'll just seem like a dream, fading with the coming light. But you'll have a way to be sure it really happened. You see, they're getting lazy, and this time the cleanup crew accidentally left a little sign of the night's events. Check behind your ear. Feel that? That sticky globby? That's a globby of alien goo. Enjoy.


Taurus : April 20 - May 20

This week you're going to turn over a new leaf. Good for you! You'll bee sitting in the back room of that Vegas wedding chapel, when you'll catch a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror, and for the first time in a decade you'll actually see yourself. You'll see a 47 year-old Elvis impersonator working part time at a "Marriage-Mart" in Sin City. You used to have dreams, you used to have friends, you used to have a family. You'll look deep into your eyes, forcing yourself to hold your own gaze. "I'm not gonna get stuck here. I'm gonna get out, and I'm gonna make a better life for myself!" In three years you'll be our country's president. Congratulations.


Gemini : May 21 - June 20

Ooh...today you're gonna find out you're adopted. Ironically it's not gonna be from either of your parent's either. Your parent's butler's conscience has finally gotten the better of him and he'll tell you the whole story today when you come to visit their mansion in Beverly Hills. Turns out, you'll find, that your real parents dropped you off on their doorstep with a check for 5 million dollars clutched in your pudgy little fingers. Your parents were poor, so they took you in and invested the money and quickly became one of the richest families on the western seaboard. Your real parents didn't leave their names, but they did give the butler a clue for you. This first clue will lead you on a wild and wacky adventure across the globe. At the end of your travels you'll find out that your "parents" are actually government scientists and you're actually an advanced robo-soldier. They gave you to your adoptive parents so you'd learn naturally how to interact and blend in with humanity. Finding their secret lab was your final test, and now your real adventure is going to begin.


Cancer : June 21 - July 22

This week your job doing the night shift at the Chevron station is going to get really exciting. You'll be leaning against the counter playing your portable gaming system of choice when a Griffon will suddenly come crashing through the roof with a heavily muscled yet delicately beautiful woman on its back. She'll extend her hand towards you urgently, obviously inviting you to climb aboard behind her. The choice you make in this moment will alter the course of your life. Choose wisely, gas-station warrior.


Leo : July 23 - August 22

Your financial situation is going to take a turn for the worse today when your investments suddenly plummet in value. And by investments, I mean the pillowcase stuffed with cash out in your shed. And by plummet in value, I mean vanish completely in the fire you accidentally start when your barbecue catches fire to some of the overgrown weeds in your backyard and burns down half your property. But your love life is lookin' good, provided you're a woman or a man who's into hunky firemen.


Virgo : August 23 - September 22

Your trans-pacific flight from Washington to Japan is going to crash in the wide blue ocean this week. Luckily, you've been harboring a dark secret that's going to mean survival. You're actually a half mermaid, and are thereby bestowed with the ability to survive long periods of time without oxygen, as well as the cold darkness of the crushing depths where the wreckage of the plane will carry you. Unfortunately, your long lost relatives will find you trapped inside the downed aircraft and force you to come back to their underwater kingdom to help them in their battle against the evil Dagon and his demonic followers. Good luck with that.


Libra : September 23 - October 22

Today you'll listen to the song "Revolution #9" by the Beatles for the first time. You've heard it once or twice before, but you've never really listened. Needless to say the experience will change your outlook on life and you'll sell all of your earthly possessions to go live in the hills outside of town and live off the land. You'll become something of a neighbourhood legend, The Fool on the Hill, they'll call you. Adults will point and laugh, children will dare each other to enter the wooded glen you call home. Many many years from now, when the ancient forest beings rise from their long slumber to reclaim the Earth from the evils of human industrialization, you will be among the few who are spared. Who's laughing now, huh?


Scorpio : October 23 - November 21

This is the week that the residents of your quaint little town finally decide they've had enough of your cannibalism. When you were just barbecuing the occasional bum or drifter they didn't mind so much, and when they're children started to disappear if they stayed out too late, they laughed it off and said "Well, one less to send to college!". But when you started chowin' down on their infants and the grandparents down at the old folks home, that just got to be too much. Seriously man, that's pretty messed up, I don't blame them for wanting to burn you at the stake. Your last thought as you go up in smoke will be how delicious your skin smells as it browns and crisps where the flames lick against it.


Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21

The world is your playground. You're drifting in an endless sea of possibilities. It's scary at first, but let the warm waters surround you, feel the lapping waves gently caress your skin, let the currents carry you where they will, and you will know peace. Sever your ties with what you knew, don't let anything hold you back. As you soar through the seas and drift among the stars, think not of tomorrow, and remember not yesterday. These, are the days of your life.

Live them.


Capricorn : December 22 - January 19

You're going to spend this week writing a song. It's been in stuck in your head for three days now, and today it finally screamed so hard to be let out that you couldn't fight it anymore. You stay home from work, you write and write and re-write until the words on the paper begin to resemble the images swirling through your mind. You'll play and revise and play some more until the music begins to take on the simple elegance you've been hearing in your head for days. You won't eat or sleep. The music will consume your every moment. By the end of the week, it will be ready. You'll drive out to a secluded beach you know just south of the popular tourist spot. You'll take your guitar out on the rocks and you'll sit. You wrote out the song, but you don't need to look at the paper as you close your eyes and begin to play. This song has been in your soul since you were born, and all you had to do was let it out. It's as much a part of you as your hands, your feet, your eyes. You'll play softly to the rhythm of the gentle waves, and the music will move through you. When the words start to flow, your voice will not be only your own, but your very spirit, every fiber in your being will sing with you as the music moves your soul to flight. The lyrics you sing that you didn't write, the notes you play that you didn't conjure, the music that the universe gave to you this day. When your song is finished, you'll open your eyes and draw the cold salt air deep into your lungs. You'll hold the breath inside of you as a sudden breeze sweeps the piece of paper with the song written on it out into the distance. You'll watch it float away towards the setting sun, and when it's drifted beyond your gave, you'll exhale. With your breath will go your soul, exhausted now from the exertion, it's grown too weak to hold on to your body, and in your final breath you'll finally find the sweet release you've been seeking all your life. No living soul will have heard your song, but as you drift along the breeze over the silvery seas, you'll see the music, in a way you never could have when you were alive. You'll see the notes shimmering in the fading light as they drift across the countryside, and where they go, they'll carry freedom, beauty, truth, and above all things...love.


Aquarius : January 20 - February 18

Your crazy uncle is going to ask you to partake in one of his experiments this week. You know it's not a great idea, but even though he's crazy his experiments are usually pretty harmless, so you agree. Just to humor the old guy. Unfortunately, his invention (which is supposed to create an exact replica of your body in post it notes) was so mind numbingly stupid it actually violated the laws of physics, creating a wormhole in the lab that sucked you back in time to the Medieval Age. Also, inexplicably, it dropped you in the court of King Arthur, who was not at all surprised to find he was a non-fictional character. After a few days of lighthearted adventures where you attempt to adjust to life in your non-electric surroundings you'll have to summon your inner strength to help the kingdom fight off a menacing but still humorous enemy, that they of course would never have been able to defeat without your assistance.


Pisces : February 19 - March 20

Samuel L. Jackson is going to kill you in your living room today. It'll be a tragic case of mistaken identity, but Mr. Jackson's policy of "Shoot first, no questions asked" will result in you being killed before you're even over the surprise of having a celebrity in your home. Sorry. Don't try to avoid it either, if you try to hide or lock him out or fight back it'll just make him mad. And believe me, as much as it'd suck to die, it's a lot worse to have an angry Sam Jackson after you.