So they're doing roadwork on Madonna Road. If you're not from around here you probably aren't aware that Madonna is the main thoroughfare through this particular part of San Luis Obispo. My office is located at one end of said road, while my house is five blocks in the opposite direction. Usually the drive takes approximately five minutes, depending on how many lights I hit.
Today, the drive took upwards of twenty.
Now, I realize this is not an earth-shattering delay or an inconvenience really deserving of this level of complainery™ , but let me tell you a little bit about myself and the situation, and maybe that will make things a little clearer.
Firstly, I hate traffic. Now that's a word I probably use a little too lightly, but in this instance I actually mean it. I HATE traffic. The feeling of powerlessness and isolation, coupled with the increasing frustration of being late, stop-and-go, not to mention the discomfort from sitting too long and the heat, etcetera. All these things added together are among the reasons that I hate traffic.
I also hate (this time that's probably not quite the right word, maybe abhor...) cd's that skip. Not just cd's that have one or two skips in a given song, but when a cd is cheap enough or has been treated poorly enough that it literally skips every three or four seconds, often losing it's place and pausing for a good ten seconds while trying to find it again.
Today in traffic I was listening to just such a cd.
It's made all the worse when it's a cd/song that you particularly enjoy, or one you're trying to learn. I'm singing along with my incredible Iron & Wine mix, almost, but not quite, forgiving the horrific traffic because the music just makes me so damn happy, and suddenly a skip!
"Calm down", I tell myself. "It's probably just a fluke or a bump in the road, you only burned this cd a week or so ago and-" but my inner monologue is interrupted by yet another skip! "It's ok, these are cheap cd's, but you've taken pretty good care of this one, it's probably just some dust and it won't happen again." but seconds after finishing my thought, another skip!
By now it's impossible to follow along with the song as it's skipping every few seconds, the temperature in the car is steadily rising due to the lack of breeze or movement and the unavoidable beating of the sun's bright rays, not to mention my own agitation bringing up my internal temperature.
Needless to say, I did not arrive home for lunch in the best of moods.
The drive back, I naturally decided in my infinite cleverness to take an alternate route home that, although traditionally would have taken longer, given the traffic on the normal route this new one would save me considerable time and spare me the stress of the cursed stop and go.
Of course, everyone else had the exact same brilliant idea at the same time.
So after lunch, I did not arrive back at work in the best of moods. Hence, spending my first half hour back typing this blog to complain about my drive, rather than getting to any actual work.
Thanks for reading, sorry for complaining.
later
-loren
8.29.2007
8.20.2007
allison's myspace survey
1. If I looked in your trunk, what would I find?
skateboards
2. Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Closed
3. Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers, or just thrown in?
folded
4. Dating anyone?
No.
5. Are you a cuddler?..
Definitely.
6. What would I find if I looked under your bed?
sandals
7. Something that happened today that has made you mad?
nothing really.
8. What were you doing before this survey?
working. ish.
9. What will you do after this survey?
work. ish.
10. Marriage or living together?
um, marriage eventually.
11. What are you wearing right now?
socks shoes underwear jeans and a t-shirt.
12. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
talk about them sometimes, write about them (whether it's blogs or songs or whatever...)
13. Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
i've found that more than anything else i regret missed opportunities.
14. First thing you do when you wake up?
um, i dunno, check my e-mail? turn off the tv?
15. Last person you told you love them?
16. Kiss with your eyes open or closed?
Closed.
17. Bite or Lick?
ha. both?
18. Last argument you got into?
drunken argument that turned out to be about nothing anyway :)
19. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
used to. not anymore.
20. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
i've actually just stopped even setting my alarm, since it wakes up my roommates before it wakes me.
21. If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend
would you?
um, lemme think-YES.
22. What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
none. i've got 'em blocked :D
23. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
hm. listening to a lot of coldplay and jimmy eat world (i'm goin back to my roots bitches)
24. When will you turn 50?
2034. wow.
25. If you were being chased by an alligator, what would you do?
pray to god to bring steve irwin back from the dead to rescue me. or that paul hogan would be filming "crocodile dundee 3: crocodile dundette" somewhere nearby and he could save me.
26. How many pillows are on your bed?
three at the moment, usually just the two though.
27. What song are you currently listening to?
fix you - coldplay
28. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
no. passed out while drunk from being tired a few times.
29. If you caught a significant other cheating on you what would you do?
cry a lot, ask them to take me back. probably never really get over it and never trust again.
30. What time did you wake up this morning?
3:50, then around seven.
31. Do you have any cousins?
yeah a few.
32. Can you imagine yourself living in a cardboard box?
haha, i look funny.
33. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
dianna cotta, event planner for farmer's market.
34. What is the WORST subject they teach in school?
oh god. in p.e. one year i had to learn the macarena. in sixth grade. that was effing traumatizing.
35. Where do you plan on living when you grow up?
i'm grown up, so i guess here. i'd kinda like to get out though...
36. What was your dream this morning?
it wasn't so much a dream as it is a thought that enters my mind every time i wake up. i see things that make me think life is one way, and i want to believe it will always be that way. it's kind of a waking dream that lasts as long as i lay there and don't let myself think about the future.
37. How many times have you seen your favorite movie?
i don't have a favorite movie so... 73?
38. Where was the last place you traveled?
traveled? um, nipomo. lol.
39. How was your past weekend?
Really really good actually.
40. What is your favorite song?
probably.... across the universe - john lennon.
41. If puppies stayed small forever, would you buy one?
eff yeah?
42. What is the best ice cream flavor?
mint chip.
43. Do you think you are attractive?
i think i have good days once in a while, but i'd have to say...average at best. :\
44. Is someone on your mind right now?
yeah i guess.
45. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
not really. it's actually something i've tried before, ugh.
46. Do you worry about how you look?
very much so. don't tell anyone though, i try to put out the "i don't care how i look or what you think of me" vibe. i think it makes me look cool. :P
47. Would you ever change for a boy/girl?
in a relationship both people have to compromise either something about themself or something they want/need in the other person. so yeah, i would. for the right person.
48. Pro-life or Pro-choice?
pro-life. there's always exceptions, like if the mom's life depends on it and the baby'll probably die anyway or something crazy like that, but i don't wanna think about something that horrible, so i won't.
49. Have you ever been on stage?
a few small ones, yeah. it's a pretty cool rush.
50. Can you whistle?
no. thanks for rubbing it in my face.
51. Do you know who Stewie Griffin is?
stewie's kind of my hero.
52. Do you have any plans for today?
karaoke tonight hopefully, beyond that not really.
53. Are you friends with more guys or girls?
Girls.
54. Why?
not really sure, i just get along better with girls, i tend to be more emotional and whatnot. guys...well....ok, honestly? i'm always comparing myself to other people, so it's hard to be around other guys cuz i see all the ways they're better than me and it kind of depresses me. how's that for psychoanalyizing and brutal honesty in a blog?
55. Have you ever thought a friend could be more than a friend?
yeah.
56. Do you like the beach?
couldn't imagine living further than ten minutes away from one.
57. What color is your toothbrush?
i don't even know.. white mostly.
58. What makes you laugh?
steven wright. steve martin. steve carell. steve zissou. steve erkle...guys named steve, apparently. oh, and midgets. (but not really)
59. Are you ticklish?
not even a little bit.
skateboards
2. Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Closed
3. Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawers, or just thrown in?
folded
4. Dating anyone?
No.
5. Are you a cuddler?..
Definitely.
6. What would I find if I looked under your bed?
sandals
7. Something that happened today that has made you mad?
nothing really.
8. What were you doing before this survey?
working. ish.
9. What will you do after this survey?
work. ish.
10. Marriage or living together?
um, marriage eventually.
11. What are you wearing right now?
socks shoes underwear jeans and a t-shirt.
12. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
talk about them sometimes, write about them (whether it's blogs or songs or whatever...)
13. Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
i've found that more than anything else i regret missed opportunities.
14. First thing you do when you wake up?
um, i dunno, check my e-mail? turn off the tv?
15. Last person you told you love them?
16. Kiss with your eyes open or closed?
Closed.
17. Bite or Lick?
ha. both?
18. Last argument you got into?
drunken argument that turned out to be about nothing anyway :)
19. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
used to. not anymore.
20. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
i've actually just stopped even setting my alarm, since it wakes up my roommates before it wakes me.
21. If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend
would you?
um, lemme think-YES.
22. What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
none. i've got 'em blocked :D
23. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
hm. listening to a lot of coldplay and jimmy eat world (i'm goin back to my roots bitches)
24. When will you turn 50?
2034. wow.
25. If you were being chased by an alligator, what would you do?
pray to god to bring steve irwin back from the dead to rescue me. or that paul hogan would be filming "crocodile dundee 3: crocodile dundette" somewhere nearby and he could save me.
26. How many pillows are on your bed?
three at the moment, usually just the two though.
27. What song are you currently listening to?
fix you - coldplay
28. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
no. passed out while drunk from being tired a few times.
29. If you caught a significant other cheating on you what would you do?
cry a lot, ask them to take me back. probably never really get over it and never trust again.
30. What time did you wake up this morning?
3:50, then around seven.
31. Do you have any cousins?
yeah a few.
32. Can you imagine yourself living in a cardboard box?
haha, i look funny.
33. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
dianna cotta, event planner for farmer's market.
34. What is the WORST subject they teach in school?
oh god. in p.e. one year i had to learn the macarena. in sixth grade. that was effing traumatizing.
35. Where do you plan on living when you grow up?
i'm grown up, so i guess here. i'd kinda like to get out though...
36. What was your dream this morning?
it wasn't so much a dream as it is a thought that enters my mind every time i wake up. i see things that make me think life is one way, and i want to believe it will always be that way. it's kind of a waking dream that lasts as long as i lay there and don't let myself think about the future.
37. How many times have you seen your favorite movie?
i don't have a favorite movie so... 73?
38. Where was the last place you traveled?
traveled? um, nipomo. lol.
39. How was your past weekend?
Really really good actually.
40. What is your favorite song?
probably.... across the universe - john lennon.
41. If puppies stayed small forever, would you buy one?
eff yeah?
42. What is the best ice cream flavor?
mint chip.
43. Do you think you are attractive?
i think i have good days once in a while, but i'd have to say...average at best. :\
44. Is someone on your mind right now?
yeah i guess.
45. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
not really. it's actually something i've tried before, ugh.
46. Do you worry about how you look?
very much so. don't tell anyone though, i try to put out the "i don't care how i look or what you think of me" vibe. i think it makes me look cool. :P
47. Would you ever change for a boy/girl?
in a relationship both people have to compromise either something about themself or something they want/need in the other person. so yeah, i would. for the right person.
48. Pro-life or Pro-choice?
pro-life. there's always exceptions, like if the mom's life depends on it and the baby'll probably die anyway or something crazy like that, but i don't wanna think about something that horrible, so i won't.
49. Have you ever been on stage?
a few small ones, yeah. it's a pretty cool rush.
50. Can you whistle?
no. thanks for rubbing it in my face.
51. Do you know who Stewie Griffin is?
stewie's kind of my hero.
52. Do you have any plans for today?
karaoke tonight hopefully, beyond that not really.
53. Are you friends with more guys or girls?
Girls.
54. Why?
not really sure, i just get along better with girls, i tend to be more emotional and whatnot. guys...well....ok, honestly? i'm always comparing myself to other people, so it's hard to be around other guys cuz i see all the ways they're better than me and it kind of depresses me. how's that for psychoanalyizing and brutal honesty in a blog?
55. Have you ever thought a friend could be more than a friend?
yeah.
56. Do you like the beach?
couldn't imagine living further than ten minutes away from one.
57. What color is your toothbrush?
i don't even know.. white mostly.
58. What makes you laugh?
steven wright. steve martin. steve carell. steve zissou. steve erkle...guys named steve, apparently. oh, and midgets. (but not really)
59. Are you ticklish?
not even a little bit.
courtney's myspace survey
-Prologue-
1. Who took your default pic?
summer
2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
esteem shirt, gap jeans, pinstripe converse, socks and boxers.
3. What is your current problem?
me
4. What makes you most happy?
nothing makes me happy. it's a choice i make.
5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
casimir pulaski (sufjan stevens)
6. Do you like MTV?
no.
7. Name something that annoys you about people.
knowing you're right/better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1 :
(About Me)
1. Nickname(s)?
NA
2. Eye color?
blue/green
3. Hair color?
blonde
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2 :
(My Family)
1. Do you live with your parent(s)?
no
2. Do you get along with your parents?
yes
3. Do you have any Siblings?
two
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3 :
(My Favorites)
1. Ice Cream
mint chip
2. Season:
autumn or winter
3. Book:
favorite book? can't pick one. right now i'm reading sex drugs and cocoa puffs and enjoying it.
4. Band or singer:
band - the beatles, singer - freddie mercury
5. Food:
pizza, hooray i'm in sixth grade!
6. Drink(s) (non alcoholic):
water.
7. Drink(s) (alcoholic
mmm, vanilla vodka and cran grape.
8. Sport:
yeah, not so much.
9. Pen color:
black
10. Store:
costco, ha.
Chapter 4 :
(Do You..?)
1. Write on your hand?
yes, and doodle sometimes too. in fact, i think i will now.
2. Call people back?
usually.
3. Believe in love?
i want to
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
no preference
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5 :
(Have You..?)
1. Been kissed?
yeah.
3. Had physical therapy?
no
4. Gotten surgery?
not really, i've had a few teeth pulled but nothing really intrusive.
5. Taken painkillers?
i'm hooked, what can i say.
6. Been stung by a bee?
once as a kid, must have been lucky though cuz it didn't hurt at all.
7. Thrown up at a doctors office?
nope.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 6 :
(Who/What was the last..)
1. Movie you saw in the movie theatres?
i wanna say bourne ultimatum
2. Thing you touched?
? keyboard....
3. Thing you ate?
mints, before that teriyaki bowl.
4. Thing you said?
i was explaining to matt why there was an ak 47 in his "stevens" dts. :|
5. See you naked?
me!
6. Person you hugged?
courtney
7. Person you kissed?
courtney
8. Person you called?
downtown slo association
9. Person to call you?
matt
10. Book you read?
lovely bones
11. Place you worked?
visual purple
12. Time you cleaned your room?
just a few days ago i rearranged so i could get my damn beanbag off the floor :P
1. Who took your default pic?
summer
2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
esteem shirt, gap jeans, pinstripe converse, socks and boxers.
3. What is your current problem?
me
4. What makes you most happy?
nothing makes me happy. it's a choice i make.
5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
casimir pulaski (sufjan stevens)
6. Do you like MTV?
no.
7. Name something that annoys you about people.
knowing you're right/better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1 :
(About Me)
1. Nickname(s)?
NA
2. Eye color?
blue/green
3. Hair color?
blonde
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2 :
(My Family)
1. Do you live with your parent(s)?
no
2. Do you get along with your parents?
yes
3. Do you have any Siblings?
two
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3 :
(My Favorites)
1. Ice Cream
mint chip
2. Season:
autumn or winter
3. Book:
favorite book? can't pick one. right now i'm reading sex drugs and cocoa puffs and enjoying it.
4. Band or singer:
band - the beatles, singer - freddie mercury
5. Food:
pizza, hooray i'm in sixth grade!
6. Drink(s) (non alcoholic):
water.
7. Drink(s) (alcoholic
mmm, vanilla vodka and cran grape.
8. Sport:
yeah, not so much.
9. Pen color:
black
10. Store:
costco, ha.
Chapter 4 :
(Do You..?)
1. Write on your hand?
yes, and doodle sometimes too. in fact, i think i will now.
2. Call people back?
usually.
3. Believe in love?
i want to
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
no preference
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5 :
(Have You..?)
1. Been kissed?
yeah.
3. Had physical therapy?
no
4. Gotten surgery?
not really, i've had a few teeth pulled but nothing really intrusive.
5. Taken painkillers?
i'm hooked, what can i say.
6. Been stung by a bee?
once as a kid, must have been lucky though cuz it didn't hurt at all.
7. Thrown up at a doctors office?
nope.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 6 :
(Who/What was the last..)
1. Movie you saw in the movie theatres?
i wanna say bourne ultimatum
2. Thing you touched?
? keyboard....
3. Thing you ate?
mints, before that teriyaki bowl.
4. Thing you said?
i was explaining to matt why there was an ak 47 in his "stevens" dts. :|
5. See you naked?
me!
6. Person you hugged?
courtney
7. Person you kissed?
courtney
8. Person you called?
downtown slo association
9. Person to call you?
matt
10. Book you read?
lovely bones
11. Place you worked?
visual purple
12. Time you cleaned your room?
just a few days ago i rearranged so i could get my damn beanbag off the floor :P
8.01.2007
'Nother gig
Last week I played in Avila at Mr. Rick's bar down on the beach, if all goes according to plan then I'm playing there again tonight for their open mic night. It's super laid back, last time I played for just over an hour. I doubt that'll happen again, but I'm planning on doing a few songs so, stop on by if you wanna hear at all :)
Starts at 7:30-ish, but I'll be in avila earlier than that, practicing and whatnot.
Thanks, see you there!
loren
Starts at 7:30-ish, but I'll be in avila earlier than that, practicing and whatnot.
Thanks, see you there!
loren
7.31.2007
Randomosity
You ever have those moments where you feel like you've got things kind of figured out? Like, maybe not life, per se, but you feel like you're finally past this one particular hurdle you've been struggling with, you feel like you finally understand, something just clicked, and whatever it is won't be a problem anymore?
I have moments like that fairly frequently. Well, maybe not frequently, but I have them often enough to remember having had them before. I also have them often enough to have come up with a name for it.
I call it...The Full House Effect.
Specifically, the part of the show about three minutes before the credits when a family figure explains to someone who's been having problems or creating trouble throughout the episode why what they did is wrong, and the person in question having a moment of understanding where they seem to have things figured out. The episode ends with an "I learned something today" note and everybody's happy. You feel like they're really going to be happier for the lesson they learned from here on out.
Now, Full House is of course not the only show that has this effect, in fact, just about every show does. One of the best examples in contemporary media in my opinion is Scrubs. Zach Braff's character JD always (seriously, every single episode) has a crisis, then at the fifteen minute break, a montage illustrating the problems going on in the character's lives is played to a voice over by Braff explaining what's wrong. Then after the last commercial break, another montage shows how everyone overcame their personal demons, learned a little something, and became a better person for it, again to a voice over by Braff explaining exactly how they did it and what they learned.
Seeing something like this, it's common (for me at least) to do a little head shake in disgust at the foolishness of 1) the characters and 2) the writers. The characters for always learning an important lesson and then promptly forgetting it by the next episode, and the writers for expecting an audience to believe any real person could be that dense.
But if you stop and think about it...well, we kind of are. Well, not even kind of. We are that dense. At least, I am. I don't know how many time I've felt like I was finally over some wrong committed against me or some unfortunate event that took place only to find myself back in the exact same situation emotionally that I was before I thought I'd figured it out. More to the point, I don't know how many times I've thought to myself "that was a terrible idea" or even "this is a terrible idea" and gone ahead and done it again anyway.
Which brings me to my next topic, one of the best sitcoms of all time, and probably some of the best television programming of all time, Friends.
Now, in Friends, they did have the same per episode arc and the same "intro, conflict, resolution, lesson learned" formula, but they also, contrary to most tv shows of this type, had many many over-reaching arcs that carried through several episodes. Characters would learn and change based on their experiences, relationships would evolve realistically, and crises were not always resolved or averted in a single episode.
The most obvious and extreme arc would of course be the Ross and Rachel dynamic. Will they/Won't they/Why did they/Why didn't they and all the other relationship drama carried over ten entire seasons of the show. Established in the very first episode and not resolved until the series finale, this was an arc to remember. However, they didn't have to make every episode about Ross and Rachel to keep it alive. There's dozens of episodes, heck, even entire seasons where nothing of substance happens between Ross and Rachel, no conflict, whole years with the relationship just kind of gelling in the friend phase.
Just like in Full House or scrubs, when you feel initially like it's so unrealistic for characters to behave in this way, but when you think about it it's actually very similar to life, just compacted down to a bite size half hour episode, this habit of Friends to allow long periods of time to go by with no real developments in such an important relationship is also VERY true to life.
I'm not going anywhere with this, btw. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. I'm just having all these random thoughts and I thought I'd type them up.
I feel like there's more to discuss about Friends, but the next point I want to get to is this. These shows all seem to be, based on my earlier observations, more accurate representations of real life situations than they appear to be at first glance. HOWEVER. I feel that to a certain extent, the similarities we see between life on the screen and life in our world are not due to art imitating life, but in fact life imitating art.
This happens on a personal level, a cultural level, a subconcious level, I think it happens all over the place. We see these shows, we see how people act. I think it's safe to say that a lot of what people learn about social interaction is learned from television. Not that it enslaves you, and obviously it's affects would be more severe one someone who's ratio of real life experiences to hours spent watching television was very low. But still, have you never had an argument that drags on for hours, and the whole time, in the back of your head, you're looking for that one-liner that will make the studio audience gasp, and the folks watching at home feel like the conversation is at an end as the screen fades to commercial?
Have you never been more dramatic than was necessary simply because that's how things are represented on tv? Characters in a show have to be more dramatic than you would be in real life because they have only thirty minutes to fit a lifetime's worth of drama into. Have you never longed for the love shared by Monica and Chandler? Christian and Satine, Turk and Carla, hell, Scarlett and Rhet Butler. These relationships all had problems, all had their ups and downs, just like in life. But there was never a question in any of them, even when Chandler pretended he didn't want to get married and Richard came back into the picture with his heart on his sleeve and marriage on his brain, there was never any doubt of the fact that Monica and Chandler loved each other, and that it would work out.
As people we see that and...we long for it...we mistake that for reality, for true love, and we expect to find it in real life. And as a result, we are constantly disappointed. Men spend their whole life looking for their Rachel, someone who is simply meant to be with them, someone who'd forgive them for the worst wrong you could commit, someone who'd overlook all their flaws and love them for who they are. Someone who is perfect for them. That person doesn't exist. The one thing these shows fail to represent in a manner that is true to life (in my opinion) is that no one, is meant to be.
This isn't just for people who look for movie or tv love of course. Some people consider themselves very rational as far as believing in fairytale love goes. But when you hear "Fix You" and your heart breaks to feel the way he must have felt when he wrote it, or when the chorus of "Come What May" inspires you to believe that you just haven't found the right person yet....or...or when "First Day of My Life" tells you how you should feel when you meet the right person....You're falling prey to the exact same phenomenon. All of life wants to believe in love, and so all art reflects that desire. Music, movies, tv, paintings, poems, everything reflects the basic human desire to love and be loved. And the people who make that music or those shows or those stories are just like us. And so we identify with their need, their desire, that they express through their art. And we see that and mistake it for a sign that that kind of love really does exist. We hear these songs that have been written as a form of escapism by one person who wants so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real...and we fall into it's snare. It's so easy to believe it when John tells you that All You Need is Love.....it's so easy....
Maybe fairytale love doesn't exist. *Gasp* Maybe as soon as we can realize that and stop rejecting one person after another for some minimal flaw that prevents them from ascending the throne or soulmate we keep in our minds, the sooner we'll realize that people are all just people. Love is real, but it's never perfect, and it will always take work, and there will always be something in your way. All that you or anyone else can do in this life is to decide for yourself if the other person is worth fighting for. And tragically, most people decide that the flaws are too great, they can't see this person ever becoming their "lobster" and so they decide to reject them and keep looking. People have to realize that...well...you'll never find the person you're looking for, and eventually you'll settle, or you'll end up alone. We don't have to lower our standards or look at it as settling, we just have to stop expecting someone to fulfill every need, to complete every part of us....to be perfect for us.
People are not perfect. The love shared between two people will never be perfect. Stop looking for it.
*Sigh*
Forgive the diatribe, I say this to myself as much as I do to anyone else. If I believed it, I wouldn't have to say it so forcefully. Truth is, I'm still one of the people looking for my lobtser. I want love to be perfect and true and flawless and beautiful. I want to know. I'm starting to believe that I never will, and it never will be like it is in the movies, no matter how badly I want to believe it. And so I'm trying to convince myself of that, and if I can help anyone else make a worthwhile realization along the way then...well maybe that's a good thing.
Thanks for reading.
loren
I have moments like that fairly frequently. Well, maybe not frequently, but I have them often enough to remember having had them before. I also have them often enough to have come up with a name for it.
I call it...The Full House Effect.
Specifically, the part of the show about three minutes before the credits when a family figure explains to someone who's been having problems or creating trouble throughout the episode why what they did is wrong, and the person in question having a moment of understanding where they seem to have things figured out. The episode ends with an "I learned something today" note and everybody's happy. You feel like they're really going to be happier for the lesson they learned from here on out.
Now, Full House is of course not the only show that has this effect, in fact, just about every show does. One of the best examples in contemporary media in my opinion is Scrubs. Zach Braff's character JD always (seriously, every single episode) has a crisis, then at the fifteen minute break, a montage illustrating the problems going on in the character's lives is played to a voice over by Braff explaining what's wrong. Then after the last commercial break, another montage shows how everyone overcame their personal demons, learned a little something, and became a better person for it, again to a voice over by Braff explaining exactly how they did it and what they learned.
Seeing something like this, it's common (for me at least) to do a little head shake in disgust at the foolishness of 1) the characters and 2) the writers. The characters for always learning an important lesson and then promptly forgetting it by the next episode, and the writers for expecting an audience to believe any real person could be that dense.
But if you stop and think about it...well, we kind of are. Well, not even kind of. We are that dense. At least, I am. I don't know how many time I've felt like I was finally over some wrong committed against me or some unfortunate event that took place only to find myself back in the exact same situation emotionally that I was before I thought I'd figured it out. More to the point, I don't know how many times I've thought to myself "that was a terrible idea" or even "this is a terrible idea" and gone ahead and done it again anyway.
Which brings me to my next topic, one of the best sitcoms of all time, and probably some of the best television programming of all time, Friends.
Now, in Friends, they did have the same per episode arc and the same "intro, conflict, resolution, lesson learned" formula, but they also, contrary to most tv shows of this type, had many many over-reaching arcs that carried through several episodes. Characters would learn and change based on their experiences, relationships would evolve realistically, and crises were not always resolved or averted in a single episode.
The most obvious and extreme arc would of course be the Ross and Rachel dynamic. Will they/Won't they/Why did they/Why didn't they and all the other relationship drama carried over ten entire seasons of the show. Established in the very first episode and not resolved until the series finale, this was an arc to remember. However, they didn't have to make every episode about Ross and Rachel to keep it alive. There's dozens of episodes, heck, even entire seasons where nothing of substance happens between Ross and Rachel, no conflict, whole years with the relationship just kind of gelling in the friend phase.
Just like in Full House or scrubs, when you feel initially like it's so unrealistic for characters to behave in this way, but when you think about it it's actually very similar to life, just compacted down to a bite size half hour episode, this habit of Friends to allow long periods of time to go by with no real developments in such an important relationship is also VERY true to life.
I'm not going anywhere with this, btw. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. I'm just having all these random thoughts and I thought I'd type them up.
I feel like there's more to discuss about Friends, but the next point I want to get to is this. These shows all seem to be, based on my earlier observations, more accurate representations of real life situations than they appear to be at first glance. HOWEVER. I feel that to a certain extent, the similarities we see between life on the screen and life in our world are not due to art imitating life, but in fact life imitating art.
This happens on a personal level, a cultural level, a subconcious level, I think it happens all over the place. We see these shows, we see how people act. I think it's safe to say that a lot of what people learn about social interaction is learned from television. Not that it enslaves you, and obviously it's affects would be more severe one someone who's ratio of real life experiences to hours spent watching television was very low. But still, have you never had an argument that drags on for hours, and the whole time, in the back of your head, you're looking for that one-liner that will make the studio audience gasp, and the folks watching at home feel like the conversation is at an end as the screen fades to commercial?
Have you never been more dramatic than was necessary simply because that's how things are represented on tv? Characters in a show have to be more dramatic than you would be in real life because they have only thirty minutes to fit a lifetime's worth of drama into. Have you never longed for the love shared by Monica and Chandler? Christian and Satine, Turk and Carla, hell, Scarlett and Rhet Butler. These relationships all had problems, all had their ups and downs, just like in life. But there was never a question in any of them, even when Chandler pretended he didn't want to get married and Richard came back into the picture with his heart on his sleeve and marriage on his brain, there was never any doubt of the fact that Monica and Chandler loved each other, and that it would work out.
As people we see that and...we long for it...we mistake that for reality, for true love, and we expect to find it in real life. And as a result, we are constantly disappointed. Men spend their whole life looking for their Rachel, someone who is simply meant to be with them, someone who'd forgive them for the worst wrong you could commit, someone who'd overlook all their flaws and love them for who they are. Someone who is perfect for them. That person doesn't exist. The one thing these shows fail to represent in a manner that is true to life (in my opinion) is that no one, is meant to be.
This isn't just for people who look for movie or tv love of course. Some people consider themselves very rational as far as believing in fairytale love goes. But when you hear "Fix You" and your heart breaks to feel the way he must have felt when he wrote it, or when the chorus of "Come What May" inspires you to believe that you just haven't found the right person yet....or...or when "First Day of My Life" tells you how you should feel when you meet the right person....You're falling prey to the exact same phenomenon. All of life wants to believe in love, and so all art reflects that desire. Music, movies, tv, paintings, poems, everything reflects the basic human desire to love and be loved. And the people who make that music or those shows or those stories are just like us. And so we identify with their need, their desire, that they express through their art. And we see that and mistake it for a sign that that kind of love really does exist. We hear these songs that have been written as a form of escapism by one person who wants so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real...and we fall into it's snare. It's so easy to believe it when John tells you that All You Need is Love.....it's so easy....
Maybe fairytale love doesn't exist. *Gasp* Maybe as soon as we can realize that and stop rejecting one person after another for some minimal flaw that prevents them from ascending the throne or soulmate we keep in our minds, the sooner we'll realize that people are all just people. Love is real, but it's never perfect, and it will always take work, and there will always be something in your way. All that you or anyone else can do in this life is to decide for yourself if the other person is worth fighting for. And tragically, most people decide that the flaws are too great, they can't see this person ever becoming their "lobster" and so they decide to reject them and keep looking. People have to realize that...well...you'll never find the person you're looking for, and eventually you'll settle, or you'll end up alone. We don't have to lower our standards or look at it as settling, we just have to stop expecting someone to fulfill every need, to complete every part of us....to be perfect for us.
People are not perfect. The love shared between two people will never be perfect. Stop looking for it.
*Sigh*
Forgive the diatribe, I say this to myself as much as I do to anyone else. If I believed it, I wouldn't have to say it so forcefully. Truth is, I'm still one of the people looking for my lobtser. I want love to be perfect and true and flawless and beautiful. I want to know. I'm starting to believe that I never will, and it never will be like it is in the movies, no matter how badly I want to believe it. And so I'm trying to convince myself of that, and if I can help anyone else make a worthwhile realization along the way then...well maybe that's a good thing.
Thanks for reading.
loren
7.26.2007
Avila Escapades
So last night was kind of random, I got bored and headed out to Avila to play some more guitar, and during my first song, a guy came out of Mr. Ricks to come listen to me play. When I finished (Cannonball - Damien Rice) he asked if I'd like to come inside and play for an open jam night they were having. Apparently it was their first night having one, it's gonna be a weekly thing from now on.
It was a lot of fun, it's the first time I've played somewhere when absolutely nobody I know is there, and I didn't have any alcohol (or as I like to call it, liquid courage) either! I really enjoyed it, the crowd was super responsive and appreciative, there were a good twenty or so people there. I kinda talked to them too, we had some laughs, haha. I made a few bucks too, and I got to play for like an hour.
Anyway, that's the random coolness from last night. I also hung out at the beach for a long time after that and had some truly delicious tea, it's from trader joe's, called good earth, I think. Very tasty.
So that's it, hope you enjoyed reading :) It was cool how random and sort of serendipitous that was, I was pleasantly surprised. It's not my favorite place to play, but I'll probably be back :)
Thanks!
loren
It was a lot of fun, it's the first time I've played somewhere when absolutely nobody I know is there, and I didn't have any alcohol (or as I like to call it, liquid courage) either! I really enjoyed it, the crowd was super responsive and appreciative, there were a good twenty or so people there. I kinda talked to them too, we had some laughs, haha. I made a few bucks too, and I got to play for like an hour.
Anyway, that's the random coolness from last night. I also hung out at the beach for a long time after that and had some truly delicious tea, it's from trader joe's, called good earth, I think. Very tasty.
So that's it, hope you enjoyed reading :) It was cool how random and sort of serendipitous that was, I was pleasantly surprised. It's not my favorite place to play, but I'll probably be back :)
Thanks!
loren
7.23.2007
Your Horoscope 04
This is your horoscope for the week of July 22nd through July 28th.
This week's horoscope is a special Movies Horoscope! See if you can't guess what popular films of the last 25 years were drawn from to write these bizarrely witty horoscopes! And remember, always look on the bright side of life! Hoorah!
Aries : March 21 - April 19
This week, just moments after you and your archaeological team discover a pair of nearly perfectly preserved Velociraptor skeletons, a wealthy old man will endanger your find by landing his helicopter dangerously close to the dig site. Upon entering your trailer, you'll find the old fart opening a bottle of you champagne. He'll offer you exorbitant amounts of money to accompany him to his private island of giant prehistoric man-eating beasts. If you accept, about half of your team will die, but they're mostly jerks anyway. Plus, you'll learn a little bit about yourself, and come to grips with your bizarre phobia of children. I say, go for it!
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
This week you moved into a new apartment in California, on account of your single mom getting work out here on the left coast. You'll make some friends your first day here and join them for a party at the beach, only to unintentionally piss of the leader of the local high school's biker gang and get the shit kicked out of you. Your new friends will abandon you, and the biker gang will trash your bike. Fear not though, the biker dude's ex girlfriend will fall for you (mostly out of sympathy) and the kindly old Japanese handi-man at your new apartment complex will fix your bike up free of charge. If you're nice to the guy, he'll probably save your life, give you a free car, and help you win the upcoming karate championship against the aforementioned biker dude, so I'd make sure to go in there and thank him for fixing your bike. And don't use the words "chink" or "Atomic Bomb" while you're talking to him. Things like that are just plain rude.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
This week, your drummer is going to break his arm by being somehow falling while trying to vault over a three foot tall parking meter on the very same day you're supposed to be playing at your college talent show. Your guitar player is going to recommend that punk from the appliance store down on South Street who used to play drums, but I wouldn't listen to him. See, if you do, he'll first off ruin your song by playing it way too fast, then he'll somehow assert himself as the frontman of the band, calling all the shots and making all the decisions. Then, he'll start to turn all the other bandmates against you. Lastly, he'll steal your girl and break up the band in the same night, leaving you utterly alone and destitute. Believe me, you'll be much happier just bowing out of the talent show, taking over the family business when your dad retires, and settling down with Faye and having a few kids.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week, your dad will come home from his business trip to the far east with a little surprise for you. A kind of cross between a Koala bear and a bunny rabbit. The underground pet store your dad bought it from will have instructed him to tell you not to feed the creature past midnight, to keep it away from water, and to keep it out of bright light. Here's an idea, DO WHAT THE MAN SAYS. Seriously, these things may look cute now, but if you start breaking that chinaman's rules they're gonna get nasty, and there's gonna be a whole lot more of them. So come on, do us all a favor and observe the proper care and feeding of your new pet Mogwai, mmkay?
Leo : July 23 - August 22
This week, after you're elected mayor of a small but profitable island town just off the coast in the Pacific Ocean, the new Sheriff will start to make a fuss about the beaches. He'll be bitching about every little thing from tourists not obeying traffic laws to killer sharks prowling the waters. He'll try to convince you to close the beach, but don't listen. I mean come on, worst case scenario right? The shark kills a handful of people, the sheriff goes out on a boat with a scientist and a crazy old sailor, they kill the shark, and the sheriff gets handed all the blame! Best of all, the beach stays open and you keep your constituents happy. The people who die will mostly be punk kids and snobby old rich people, most won't even be locals. It's a win-win-win situation! Anyway, that's just my two cents.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
This week, you'll be apprehended by a holdover group of German Nazi Fundamentalists searching for a Legendary biblical artifact to aid them in their goal of global conquest. You won't be tortured, they won't even bother to search your bags for the little black book that holds the secret to the artifact's location. Also, your son will rescue you and you'll embark on a wild and exciting chase across Europe to try to beat the Germans to their goal. You'll come face to face with death more than once, you'll face adversity and you'll triumph. You'll learn a little bit about yourself, and you'll grow closer to your estranged son, finally feeling like a real father. Damn you're corny...
Libra : September 23 - October 22
This week your best friend is going to risk your very lives by betting every last cent either of you have in a poker game! It's a stupid move, but fortunately for him it'll pay off, and you'll both win passage on a boat home from Europe. I highly recommend that you don't go with him. If his behavior up till now hasn't proven how disloyal of a friend he is, just wait till you get on the boat. He'll almost immediately meet some spoiled redhead and promptly forget you even exist, only hanging out with you when he gets bored pretending to be rich and snobby. Oh, another reason not to go is um, the boat's gonna sink. Just about everyone's gonna die, including you. So yeah, two good reasons not to get on the boat, Jack's an asshole, and it's gonna sink and you'll most likely die.
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
This week, while you're out sick from school, your "best friend" (I put that in air quotes because you're a good friend to him, but he treats you like shit) will call you up asking for a ride, seeing as he's ditching school today as well. You'll spend a good hour debating whether or not to go help him out. Let me just stop you right there, don't. Come on man, grow a pair, he's a jerk, and you know he's just using you for a ride. *sigh* I know, you're the good guy, right? And you remember those times when he used to be a good friend, and you feel guilty for letting him down, yeah? Well consider this, you help this guy out, he's gonna make you drive him all around the city while he makes out with his girlfriend and you're left staring at trippy dot paintings in some stupid museum. Best of all, you'll have a nervous breakdown and he'll indirectly cause the destruction of your dad's classic Ferrari. Just stay home, drink your orange juice, have some chicken soup, and make some new loser friends, that guy's bad news.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
This week, you'll be walking late at night and you'll hear music. It's somber and intense, it'll almost move you to tears. You'll find at it's source a young man with a guitar, playing like he's on stage, and singing as though to the girl of his dreams. You'll try to talk to him, and at first he'll seem abrasive and rude, but don't give up. He's cynical and he's been hurt, but underneath is a beautiful gift, and the bond you two will share will be deeper than friendship, deeper than romance. You'll make beautiful music together, and really...what greater gift can a person give than that of music. Music which comes from the heart...the very soul of a person is in their music, and the intertwining of your two souls will create some of the sweetest strains to grace the ears of mankind.
Please, believe in him, that he might believe in himself.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
This week is the week you'll implement your plan to rob the vault of one of the richest multinational corporations in the United States. The first few phases of your plan will go off without a hitch, but soon you'll notice that something is awry. It appears that an upstart police officer is loose in the building, and that somehow his head's been filled with delusions of grandeur that have led him to believe he can singlehandedly defeat a dozen well trained and heavily armed terrorists lead by one of the greatest criminal masterminds of our time (that's you by the way). Now, let me give you some advice, when you have the opportunity to kill this man (and you will), don't waste time talking, don't freaking monologue, don't wait for him to say "yippee kai-ay mother f*cker", just shoot him! Honestly, it'll save you a lot of time. It'd be best if you gave the same instructions to your men. Like, as an example, if one of them is standing on a table that he's hiding under, instruct them to shoot, without hesitating, and not to make some snide remark before pulling the trigger. Honestly, it'll save you a lot of trouble. Oh, and this way you'll actually succeed in your scheme, rather than getting dropped from a fortieth floor window.
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
This week when the dog belonging to the bum down at the end of the pier is discovered to be the only witness to its owner's murder, your Sergeant down at the station will assign you to be his caretaker and give you the task of finding out whatever information you can from the foul beast. After a few absurd hijinx and some difficult times with the dog, you'll find that maybe he's not so bad, he just needed someone to love. You'll even fall in love with your local veterinarian thanks to the little bugger. Of course, he'll die a few days later, but you'll catch the bad guy and get the girl, so who gives a rat's ass about a stupid dog?
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
This week, some familiar faces will come into your night club. Yes, of all the Gin Joints in all the towns in all the world, she'll walk into yours. Her and her new lover will be running from the Nazi's, trying to get to America. She'll try to convince you to help them, with tickets, a place to stay, protection. She'll make your piano player sing your favorite love song, she'll reminisce with you about the good times in Paris, she'll use all of her considerable feminine wiles to enlist your aid in her plight. All the while, her new lover is watching from the shadows, and you know in your heart you'll never get her back. Listen to me man, don't do it. It's not worth it, mmkay? And for god's sakes, if you do, for whatever reason, help them out of you misguided thoughts of patriotism and loyalty, then when they're about to get on the last plane out of Casablanca, and she says she doesn't want to go, that she wants to stay with you? YOU LET HER STAY. Don't give her some self righteous tripe about how she needs to leave, I want you to take her in your arms and kiss her like she's never been kissed. Send that new husband off in the rainy night on his own, and live happily ever after with the girl of your dreams. Doesn't that sound nice?
Oh, and shoot that one army dude, he's an ass.
This week's horoscope is a special Movies Horoscope! See if you can't guess what popular films of the last 25 years were drawn from to write these bizarrely witty horoscopes! And remember, always look on the bright side of life! Hoorah!
Aries : March 21 - April 19
This week, just moments after you and your archaeological team discover a pair of nearly perfectly preserved Velociraptor skeletons, a wealthy old man will endanger your find by landing his helicopter dangerously close to the dig site. Upon entering your trailer, you'll find the old fart opening a bottle of you champagne. He'll offer you exorbitant amounts of money to accompany him to his private island of giant prehistoric man-eating beasts. If you accept, about half of your team will die, but they're mostly jerks anyway. Plus, you'll learn a little bit about yourself, and come to grips with your bizarre phobia of children. I say, go for it!
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
This week you moved into a new apartment in California, on account of your single mom getting work out here on the left coast. You'll make some friends your first day here and join them for a party at the beach, only to unintentionally piss of the leader of the local high school's biker gang and get the shit kicked out of you. Your new friends will abandon you, and the biker gang will trash your bike. Fear not though, the biker dude's ex girlfriend will fall for you (mostly out of sympathy) and the kindly old Japanese handi-man at your new apartment complex will fix your bike up free of charge. If you're nice to the guy, he'll probably save your life, give you a free car, and help you win the upcoming karate championship against the aforementioned biker dude, so I'd make sure to go in there and thank him for fixing your bike. And don't use the words "chink" or "Atomic Bomb" while you're talking to him. Things like that are just plain rude.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
This week, your drummer is going to break his arm by being somehow falling while trying to vault over a three foot tall parking meter on the very same day you're supposed to be playing at your college talent show. Your guitar player is going to recommend that punk from the appliance store down on South Street who used to play drums, but I wouldn't listen to him. See, if you do, he'll first off ruin your song by playing it way too fast, then he'll somehow assert himself as the frontman of the band, calling all the shots and making all the decisions. Then, he'll start to turn all the other bandmates against you. Lastly, he'll steal your girl and break up the band in the same night, leaving you utterly alone and destitute. Believe me, you'll be much happier just bowing out of the talent show, taking over the family business when your dad retires, and settling down with Faye and having a few kids.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week, your dad will come home from his business trip to the far east with a little surprise for you. A kind of cross between a Koala bear and a bunny rabbit. The underground pet store your dad bought it from will have instructed him to tell you not to feed the creature past midnight, to keep it away from water, and to keep it out of bright light. Here's an idea, DO WHAT THE MAN SAYS. Seriously, these things may look cute now, but if you start breaking that chinaman's rules they're gonna get nasty, and there's gonna be a whole lot more of them. So come on, do us all a favor and observe the proper care and feeding of your new pet Mogwai, mmkay?
Leo : July 23 - August 22
This week, after you're elected mayor of a small but profitable island town just off the coast in the Pacific Ocean, the new Sheriff will start to make a fuss about the beaches. He'll be bitching about every little thing from tourists not obeying traffic laws to killer sharks prowling the waters. He'll try to convince you to close the beach, but don't listen. I mean come on, worst case scenario right? The shark kills a handful of people, the sheriff goes out on a boat with a scientist and a crazy old sailor, they kill the shark, and the sheriff gets handed all the blame! Best of all, the beach stays open and you keep your constituents happy. The people who die will mostly be punk kids and snobby old rich people, most won't even be locals. It's a win-win-win situation! Anyway, that's just my two cents.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
This week, you'll be apprehended by a holdover group of German Nazi Fundamentalists searching for a Legendary biblical artifact to aid them in their goal of global conquest. You won't be tortured, they won't even bother to search your bags for the little black book that holds the secret to the artifact's location. Also, your son will rescue you and you'll embark on a wild and exciting chase across Europe to try to beat the Germans to their goal. You'll come face to face with death more than once, you'll face adversity and you'll triumph. You'll learn a little bit about yourself, and you'll grow closer to your estranged son, finally feeling like a real father. Damn you're corny...
Libra : September 23 - October 22
This week your best friend is going to risk your very lives by betting every last cent either of you have in a poker game! It's a stupid move, but fortunately for him it'll pay off, and you'll both win passage on a boat home from Europe. I highly recommend that you don't go with him. If his behavior up till now hasn't proven how disloyal of a friend he is, just wait till you get on the boat. He'll almost immediately meet some spoiled redhead and promptly forget you even exist, only hanging out with you when he gets bored pretending to be rich and snobby. Oh, another reason not to go is um, the boat's gonna sink. Just about everyone's gonna die, including you. So yeah, two good reasons not to get on the boat, Jack's an asshole, and it's gonna sink and you'll most likely die.
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
This week, while you're out sick from school, your "best friend" (I put that in air quotes because you're a good friend to him, but he treats you like shit) will call you up asking for a ride, seeing as he's ditching school today as well. You'll spend a good hour debating whether or not to go help him out. Let me just stop you right there, don't. Come on man, grow a pair, he's a jerk, and you know he's just using you for a ride. *sigh* I know, you're the good guy, right? And you remember those times when he used to be a good friend, and you feel guilty for letting him down, yeah? Well consider this, you help this guy out, he's gonna make you drive him all around the city while he makes out with his girlfriend and you're left staring at trippy dot paintings in some stupid museum. Best of all, you'll have a nervous breakdown and he'll indirectly cause the destruction of your dad's classic Ferrari. Just stay home, drink your orange juice, have some chicken soup, and make some new loser friends, that guy's bad news.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
This week, you'll be walking late at night and you'll hear music. It's somber and intense, it'll almost move you to tears. You'll find at it's source a young man with a guitar, playing like he's on stage, and singing as though to the girl of his dreams. You'll try to talk to him, and at first he'll seem abrasive and rude, but don't give up. He's cynical and he's been hurt, but underneath is a beautiful gift, and the bond you two will share will be deeper than friendship, deeper than romance. You'll make beautiful music together, and really...what greater gift can a person give than that of music. Music which comes from the heart...the very soul of a person is in their music, and the intertwining of your two souls will create some of the sweetest strains to grace the ears of mankind.
Please, believe in him, that he might believe in himself.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
This week is the week you'll implement your plan to rob the vault of one of the richest multinational corporations in the United States. The first few phases of your plan will go off without a hitch, but soon you'll notice that something is awry. It appears that an upstart police officer is loose in the building, and that somehow his head's been filled with delusions of grandeur that have led him to believe he can singlehandedly defeat a dozen well trained and heavily armed terrorists lead by one of the greatest criminal masterminds of our time (that's you by the way). Now, let me give you some advice, when you have the opportunity to kill this man (and you will), don't waste time talking, don't freaking monologue, don't wait for him to say "yippee kai-ay mother f*cker", just shoot him! Honestly, it'll save you a lot of time. It'd be best if you gave the same instructions to your men. Like, as an example, if one of them is standing on a table that he's hiding under, instruct them to shoot, without hesitating, and not to make some snide remark before pulling the trigger. Honestly, it'll save you a lot of trouble. Oh, and this way you'll actually succeed in your scheme, rather than getting dropped from a fortieth floor window.
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
This week when the dog belonging to the bum down at the end of the pier is discovered to be the only witness to its owner's murder, your Sergeant down at the station will assign you to be his caretaker and give you the task of finding out whatever information you can from the foul beast. After a few absurd hijinx and some difficult times with the dog, you'll find that maybe he's not so bad, he just needed someone to love. You'll even fall in love with your local veterinarian thanks to the little bugger. Of course, he'll die a few days later, but you'll catch the bad guy and get the girl, so who gives a rat's ass about a stupid dog?
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
This week, some familiar faces will come into your night club. Yes, of all the Gin Joints in all the towns in all the world, she'll walk into yours. Her and her new lover will be running from the Nazi's, trying to get to America. She'll try to convince you to help them, with tickets, a place to stay, protection. She'll make your piano player sing your favorite love song, she'll reminisce with you about the good times in Paris, she'll use all of her considerable feminine wiles to enlist your aid in her plight. All the while, her new lover is watching from the shadows, and you know in your heart you'll never get her back. Listen to me man, don't do it. It's not worth it, mmkay? And for god's sakes, if you do, for whatever reason, help them out of you misguided thoughts of patriotism and loyalty, then when they're about to get on the last plane out of Casablanca, and she says she doesn't want to go, that she wants to stay with you? YOU LET HER STAY. Don't give her some self righteous tripe about how she needs to leave, I want you to take her in your arms and kiss her like she's never been kissed. Send that new husband off in the rainy night on his own, and live happily ever after with the girl of your dreams. Doesn't that sound nice?
Oh, and shoot that one army dude, he's an ass.
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