You ever have those moments where you feel like you've got things kind of figured out? Like, maybe not life, per se, but you feel like you're finally past this one particular hurdle you've been struggling with, you feel like you finally understand, something just clicked, and whatever it is won't be a problem anymore?
I have moments like that fairly frequently. Well, maybe not frequently, but I have them often enough to remember having had them before. I also have them often enough to have come up with a name for it.
I call it...The Full House Effect.
Specifically, the part of the show about three minutes before the credits when a family figure explains to someone who's been having problems or creating trouble throughout the episode why what they did is wrong, and the person in question having a moment of understanding where they seem to have things figured out. The episode ends with an "I learned something today" note and everybody's happy. You feel like they're really going to be happier for the lesson they learned from here on out.
Now, Full House is of course not the only show that has this effect, in fact, just about every show does. One of the best examples in contemporary media in my opinion is Scrubs. Zach Braff's character JD always (seriously, every single episode) has a crisis, then at the fifteen minute break, a montage illustrating the problems going on in the character's lives is played to a voice over by Braff explaining what's wrong. Then after the last commercial break, another montage shows how everyone overcame their personal demons, learned a little something, and became a better person for it, again to a voice over by Braff explaining exactly how they did it and what they learned.
Seeing something like this, it's common (for me at least) to do a little head shake in disgust at the foolishness of 1) the characters and 2) the writers. The characters for always learning an important lesson and then promptly forgetting it by the next episode, and the writers for expecting an audience to believe any real person could be that dense.
But if you stop and think about it...well, we kind of are. Well, not even kind of. We are that dense. At least, I am. I don't know how many time I've felt like I was finally over some wrong committed against me or some unfortunate event that took place only to find myself back in the exact same situation emotionally that I was before I thought I'd figured it out. More to the point, I don't know how many times I've thought to myself "that was a terrible idea" or even "this is a terrible idea" and gone ahead and done it again anyway.
Which brings me to my next topic, one of the best sitcoms of all time, and probably some of the best television programming of all time, Friends.
Now, in Friends, they did have the same per episode arc and the same "intro, conflict, resolution, lesson learned" formula, but they also, contrary to most tv shows of this type, had many many over-reaching arcs that carried through several episodes. Characters would learn and change based on their experiences, relationships would evolve realistically, and crises were not always resolved or averted in a single episode.
The most obvious and extreme arc would of course be the Ross and Rachel dynamic. Will they/Won't they/Why did they/Why didn't they and all the other relationship drama carried over ten entire seasons of the show. Established in the very first episode and not resolved until the series finale, this was an arc to remember. However, they didn't have to make every episode about Ross and Rachel to keep it alive. There's dozens of episodes, heck, even entire seasons where nothing of substance happens between Ross and Rachel, no conflict, whole years with the relationship just kind of gelling in the friend phase.
Just like in Full House or scrubs, when you feel initially like it's so unrealistic for characters to behave in this way, but when you think about it it's actually very similar to life, just compacted down to a bite size half hour episode, this habit of Friends to allow long periods of time to go by with no real developments in such an important relationship is also VERY true to life.
I'm not going anywhere with this, btw. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. I'm just having all these random thoughts and I thought I'd type them up.
I feel like there's more to discuss about Friends, but the next point I want to get to is this. These shows all seem to be, based on my earlier observations, more accurate representations of real life situations than they appear to be at first glance. HOWEVER. I feel that to a certain extent, the similarities we see between life on the screen and life in our world are not due to art imitating life, but in fact life imitating art.
This happens on a personal level, a cultural level, a subconcious level, I think it happens all over the place. We see these shows, we see how people act. I think it's safe to say that a lot of what people learn about social interaction is learned from television. Not that it enslaves you, and obviously it's affects would be more severe one someone who's ratio of real life experiences to hours spent watching television was very low. But still, have you never had an argument that drags on for hours, and the whole time, in the back of your head, you're looking for that one-liner that will make the studio audience gasp, and the folks watching at home feel like the conversation is at an end as the screen fades to commercial?
Have you never been more dramatic than was necessary simply because that's how things are represented on tv? Characters in a show have to be more dramatic than you would be in real life because they have only thirty minutes to fit a lifetime's worth of drama into. Have you never longed for the love shared by Monica and Chandler? Christian and Satine, Turk and Carla, hell, Scarlett and Rhet Butler. These relationships all had problems, all had their ups and downs, just like in life. But there was never a question in any of them, even when Chandler pretended he didn't want to get married and Richard came back into the picture with his heart on his sleeve and marriage on his brain, there was never any doubt of the fact that Monica and Chandler loved each other, and that it would work out.
As people we see that and...we long for it...we mistake that for reality, for true love, and we expect to find it in real life. And as a result, we are constantly disappointed. Men spend their whole life looking for their Rachel, someone who is simply meant to be with them, someone who'd forgive them for the worst wrong you could commit, someone who'd overlook all their flaws and love them for who they are. Someone who is perfect for them. That person doesn't exist. The one thing these shows fail to represent in a manner that is true to life (in my opinion) is that no one, is meant to be.
This isn't just for people who look for movie or tv love of course. Some people consider themselves very rational as far as believing in fairytale love goes. But when you hear "Fix You" and your heart breaks to feel the way he must have felt when he wrote it, or when the chorus of "Come What May" inspires you to believe that you just haven't found the right person yet....or...or when "First Day of My Life" tells you how you should feel when you meet the right person....You're falling prey to the exact same phenomenon. All of life wants to believe in love, and so all art reflects that desire. Music, movies, tv, paintings, poems, everything reflects the basic human desire to love and be loved. And the people who make that music or those shows or those stories are just like us. And so we identify with their need, their desire, that they express through their art. And we see that and mistake it for a sign that that kind of love really does exist. We hear these songs that have been written as a form of escapism by one person who wants so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real...and we fall into it's snare. It's so easy to believe it when John tells you that All You Need is Love.....it's so easy....
Maybe fairytale love doesn't exist. *Gasp* Maybe as soon as we can realize that and stop rejecting one person after another for some minimal flaw that prevents them from ascending the throne or soulmate we keep in our minds, the sooner we'll realize that people are all just people. Love is real, but it's never perfect, and it will always take work, and there will always be something in your way. All that you or anyone else can do in this life is to decide for yourself if the other person is worth fighting for. And tragically, most people decide that the flaws are too great, they can't see this person ever becoming their "lobster" and so they decide to reject them and keep looking. People have to realize that...well...you'll never find the person you're looking for, and eventually you'll settle, or you'll end up alone. We don't have to lower our standards or look at it as settling, we just have to stop expecting someone to fulfill every need, to complete every part of us....to be perfect for us.
People are not perfect. The love shared between two people will never be perfect. Stop looking for it.
*Sigh*
Forgive the diatribe, I say this to myself as much as I do to anyone else. If I believed it, I wouldn't have to say it so forcefully. Truth is, I'm still one of the people looking for my lobtser. I want love to be perfect and true and flawless and beautiful. I want to know. I'm starting to believe that I never will, and it never will be like it is in the movies, no matter how badly I want to believe it. And so I'm trying to convince myself of that, and if I can help anyone else make a worthwhile realization along the way then...well maybe that's a good thing.
Thanks for reading.
loren
7.31.2007
7.26.2007
Avila Escapades
So last night was kind of random, I got bored and headed out to Avila to play some more guitar, and during my first song, a guy came out of Mr. Ricks to come listen to me play. When I finished (Cannonball - Damien Rice) he asked if I'd like to come inside and play for an open jam night they were having. Apparently it was their first night having one, it's gonna be a weekly thing from now on.
It was a lot of fun, it's the first time I've played somewhere when absolutely nobody I know is there, and I didn't have any alcohol (or as I like to call it, liquid courage) either! I really enjoyed it, the crowd was super responsive and appreciative, there were a good twenty or so people there. I kinda talked to them too, we had some laughs, haha. I made a few bucks too, and I got to play for like an hour.
Anyway, that's the random coolness from last night. I also hung out at the beach for a long time after that and had some truly delicious tea, it's from trader joe's, called good earth, I think. Very tasty.
So that's it, hope you enjoyed reading :) It was cool how random and sort of serendipitous that was, I was pleasantly surprised. It's not my favorite place to play, but I'll probably be back :)
Thanks!
loren
It was a lot of fun, it's the first time I've played somewhere when absolutely nobody I know is there, and I didn't have any alcohol (or as I like to call it, liquid courage) either! I really enjoyed it, the crowd was super responsive and appreciative, there were a good twenty or so people there. I kinda talked to them too, we had some laughs, haha. I made a few bucks too, and I got to play for like an hour.
Anyway, that's the random coolness from last night. I also hung out at the beach for a long time after that and had some truly delicious tea, it's from trader joe's, called good earth, I think. Very tasty.
So that's it, hope you enjoyed reading :) It was cool how random and sort of serendipitous that was, I was pleasantly surprised. It's not my favorite place to play, but I'll probably be back :)
Thanks!
loren
7.23.2007
Your Horoscope 04
This is your horoscope for the week of July 22nd through July 28th.
This week's horoscope is a special Movies Horoscope! See if you can't guess what popular films of the last 25 years were drawn from to write these bizarrely witty horoscopes! And remember, always look on the bright side of life! Hoorah!
Aries : March 21 - April 19
This week, just moments after you and your archaeological team discover a pair of nearly perfectly preserved Velociraptor skeletons, a wealthy old man will endanger your find by landing his helicopter dangerously close to the dig site. Upon entering your trailer, you'll find the old fart opening a bottle of you champagne. He'll offer you exorbitant amounts of money to accompany him to his private island of giant prehistoric man-eating beasts. If you accept, about half of your team will die, but they're mostly jerks anyway. Plus, you'll learn a little bit about yourself, and come to grips with your bizarre phobia of children. I say, go for it!
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
This week you moved into a new apartment in California, on account of your single mom getting work out here on the left coast. You'll make some friends your first day here and join them for a party at the beach, only to unintentionally piss of the leader of the local high school's biker gang and get the shit kicked out of you. Your new friends will abandon you, and the biker gang will trash your bike. Fear not though, the biker dude's ex girlfriend will fall for you (mostly out of sympathy) and the kindly old Japanese handi-man at your new apartment complex will fix your bike up free of charge. If you're nice to the guy, he'll probably save your life, give you a free car, and help you win the upcoming karate championship against the aforementioned biker dude, so I'd make sure to go in there and thank him for fixing your bike. And don't use the words "chink" or "Atomic Bomb" while you're talking to him. Things like that are just plain rude.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
This week, your drummer is going to break his arm by being somehow falling while trying to vault over a three foot tall parking meter on the very same day you're supposed to be playing at your college talent show. Your guitar player is going to recommend that punk from the appliance store down on South Street who used to play drums, but I wouldn't listen to him. See, if you do, he'll first off ruin your song by playing it way too fast, then he'll somehow assert himself as the frontman of the band, calling all the shots and making all the decisions. Then, he'll start to turn all the other bandmates against you. Lastly, he'll steal your girl and break up the band in the same night, leaving you utterly alone and destitute. Believe me, you'll be much happier just bowing out of the talent show, taking over the family business when your dad retires, and settling down with Faye and having a few kids.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week, your dad will come home from his business trip to the far east with a little surprise for you. A kind of cross between a Koala bear and a bunny rabbit. The underground pet store your dad bought it from will have instructed him to tell you not to feed the creature past midnight, to keep it away from water, and to keep it out of bright light. Here's an idea, DO WHAT THE MAN SAYS. Seriously, these things may look cute now, but if you start breaking that chinaman's rules they're gonna get nasty, and there's gonna be a whole lot more of them. So come on, do us all a favor and observe the proper care and feeding of your new pet Mogwai, mmkay?
Leo : July 23 - August 22
This week, after you're elected mayor of a small but profitable island town just off the coast in the Pacific Ocean, the new Sheriff will start to make a fuss about the beaches. He'll be bitching about every little thing from tourists not obeying traffic laws to killer sharks prowling the waters. He'll try to convince you to close the beach, but don't listen. I mean come on, worst case scenario right? The shark kills a handful of people, the sheriff goes out on a boat with a scientist and a crazy old sailor, they kill the shark, and the sheriff gets handed all the blame! Best of all, the beach stays open and you keep your constituents happy. The people who die will mostly be punk kids and snobby old rich people, most won't even be locals. It's a win-win-win situation! Anyway, that's just my two cents.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
This week, you'll be apprehended by a holdover group of German Nazi Fundamentalists searching for a Legendary biblical artifact to aid them in their goal of global conquest. You won't be tortured, they won't even bother to search your bags for the little black book that holds the secret to the artifact's location. Also, your son will rescue you and you'll embark on a wild and exciting chase across Europe to try to beat the Germans to their goal. You'll come face to face with death more than once, you'll face adversity and you'll triumph. You'll learn a little bit about yourself, and you'll grow closer to your estranged son, finally feeling like a real father. Damn you're corny...
Libra : September 23 - October 22
This week your best friend is going to risk your very lives by betting every last cent either of you have in a poker game! It's a stupid move, but fortunately for him it'll pay off, and you'll both win passage on a boat home from Europe. I highly recommend that you don't go with him. If his behavior up till now hasn't proven how disloyal of a friend he is, just wait till you get on the boat. He'll almost immediately meet some spoiled redhead and promptly forget you even exist, only hanging out with you when he gets bored pretending to be rich and snobby. Oh, another reason not to go is um, the boat's gonna sink. Just about everyone's gonna die, including you. So yeah, two good reasons not to get on the boat, Jack's an asshole, and it's gonna sink and you'll most likely die.
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
This week, while you're out sick from school, your "best friend" (I put that in air quotes because you're a good friend to him, but he treats you like shit) will call you up asking for a ride, seeing as he's ditching school today as well. You'll spend a good hour debating whether or not to go help him out. Let me just stop you right there, don't. Come on man, grow a pair, he's a jerk, and you know he's just using you for a ride. *sigh* I know, you're the good guy, right? And you remember those times when he used to be a good friend, and you feel guilty for letting him down, yeah? Well consider this, you help this guy out, he's gonna make you drive him all around the city while he makes out with his girlfriend and you're left staring at trippy dot paintings in some stupid museum. Best of all, you'll have a nervous breakdown and he'll indirectly cause the destruction of your dad's classic Ferrari. Just stay home, drink your orange juice, have some chicken soup, and make some new loser friends, that guy's bad news.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
This week, you'll be walking late at night and you'll hear music. It's somber and intense, it'll almost move you to tears. You'll find at it's source a young man with a guitar, playing like he's on stage, and singing as though to the girl of his dreams. You'll try to talk to him, and at first he'll seem abrasive and rude, but don't give up. He's cynical and he's been hurt, but underneath is a beautiful gift, and the bond you two will share will be deeper than friendship, deeper than romance. You'll make beautiful music together, and really...what greater gift can a person give than that of music. Music which comes from the heart...the very soul of a person is in their music, and the intertwining of your two souls will create some of the sweetest strains to grace the ears of mankind.
Please, believe in him, that he might believe in himself.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
This week is the week you'll implement your plan to rob the vault of one of the richest multinational corporations in the United States. The first few phases of your plan will go off without a hitch, but soon you'll notice that something is awry. It appears that an upstart police officer is loose in the building, and that somehow his head's been filled with delusions of grandeur that have led him to believe he can singlehandedly defeat a dozen well trained and heavily armed terrorists lead by one of the greatest criminal masterminds of our time (that's you by the way). Now, let me give you some advice, when you have the opportunity to kill this man (and you will), don't waste time talking, don't freaking monologue, don't wait for him to say "yippee kai-ay mother f*cker", just shoot him! Honestly, it'll save you a lot of time. It'd be best if you gave the same instructions to your men. Like, as an example, if one of them is standing on a table that he's hiding under, instruct them to shoot, without hesitating, and not to make some snide remark before pulling the trigger. Honestly, it'll save you a lot of trouble. Oh, and this way you'll actually succeed in your scheme, rather than getting dropped from a fortieth floor window.
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
This week when the dog belonging to the bum down at the end of the pier is discovered to be the only witness to its owner's murder, your Sergeant down at the station will assign you to be his caretaker and give you the task of finding out whatever information you can from the foul beast. After a few absurd hijinx and some difficult times with the dog, you'll find that maybe he's not so bad, he just needed someone to love. You'll even fall in love with your local veterinarian thanks to the little bugger. Of course, he'll die a few days later, but you'll catch the bad guy and get the girl, so who gives a rat's ass about a stupid dog?
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
This week, some familiar faces will come into your night club. Yes, of all the Gin Joints in all the towns in all the world, she'll walk into yours. Her and her new lover will be running from the Nazi's, trying to get to America. She'll try to convince you to help them, with tickets, a place to stay, protection. She'll make your piano player sing your favorite love song, she'll reminisce with you about the good times in Paris, she'll use all of her considerable feminine wiles to enlist your aid in her plight. All the while, her new lover is watching from the shadows, and you know in your heart you'll never get her back. Listen to me man, don't do it. It's not worth it, mmkay? And for god's sakes, if you do, for whatever reason, help them out of you misguided thoughts of patriotism and loyalty, then when they're about to get on the last plane out of Casablanca, and she says she doesn't want to go, that she wants to stay with you? YOU LET HER STAY. Don't give her some self righteous tripe about how she needs to leave, I want you to take her in your arms and kiss her like she's never been kissed. Send that new husband off in the rainy night on his own, and live happily ever after with the girl of your dreams. Doesn't that sound nice?
Oh, and shoot that one army dude, he's an ass.
This week's horoscope is a special Movies Horoscope! See if you can't guess what popular films of the last 25 years were drawn from to write these bizarrely witty horoscopes! And remember, always look on the bright side of life! Hoorah!
Aries : March 21 - April 19
This week, just moments after you and your archaeological team discover a pair of nearly perfectly preserved Velociraptor skeletons, a wealthy old man will endanger your find by landing his helicopter dangerously close to the dig site. Upon entering your trailer, you'll find the old fart opening a bottle of you champagne. He'll offer you exorbitant amounts of money to accompany him to his private island of giant prehistoric man-eating beasts. If you accept, about half of your team will die, but they're mostly jerks anyway. Plus, you'll learn a little bit about yourself, and come to grips with your bizarre phobia of children. I say, go for it!
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
This week you moved into a new apartment in California, on account of your single mom getting work out here on the left coast. You'll make some friends your first day here and join them for a party at the beach, only to unintentionally piss of the leader of the local high school's biker gang and get the shit kicked out of you. Your new friends will abandon you, and the biker gang will trash your bike. Fear not though, the biker dude's ex girlfriend will fall for you (mostly out of sympathy) and the kindly old Japanese handi-man at your new apartment complex will fix your bike up free of charge. If you're nice to the guy, he'll probably save your life, give you a free car, and help you win the upcoming karate championship against the aforementioned biker dude, so I'd make sure to go in there and thank him for fixing your bike. And don't use the words "chink" or "Atomic Bomb" while you're talking to him. Things like that are just plain rude.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
This week, your drummer is going to break his arm by being somehow falling while trying to vault over a three foot tall parking meter on the very same day you're supposed to be playing at your college talent show. Your guitar player is going to recommend that punk from the appliance store down on South Street who used to play drums, but I wouldn't listen to him. See, if you do, he'll first off ruin your song by playing it way too fast, then he'll somehow assert himself as the frontman of the band, calling all the shots and making all the decisions. Then, he'll start to turn all the other bandmates against you. Lastly, he'll steal your girl and break up the band in the same night, leaving you utterly alone and destitute. Believe me, you'll be much happier just bowing out of the talent show, taking over the family business when your dad retires, and settling down with Faye and having a few kids.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week, your dad will come home from his business trip to the far east with a little surprise for you. A kind of cross between a Koala bear and a bunny rabbit. The underground pet store your dad bought it from will have instructed him to tell you not to feed the creature past midnight, to keep it away from water, and to keep it out of bright light. Here's an idea, DO WHAT THE MAN SAYS. Seriously, these things may look cute now, but if you start breaking that chinaman's rules they're gonna get nasty, and there's gonna be a whole lot more of them. So come on, do us all a favor and observe the proper care and feeding of your new pet Mogwai, mmkay?
Leo : July 23 - August 22
This week, after you're elected mayor of a small but profitable island town just off the coast in the Pacific Ocean, the new Sheriff will start to make a fuss about the beaches. He'll be bitching about every little thing from tourists not obeying traffic laws to killer sharks prowling the waters. He'll try to convince you to close the beach, but don't listen. I mean come on, worst case scenario right? The shark kills a handful of people, the sheriff goes out on a boat with a scientist and a crazy old sailor, they kill the shark, and the sheriff gets handed all the blame! Best of all, the beach stays open and you keep your constituents happy. The people who die will mostly be punk kids and snobby old rich people, most won't even be locals. It's a win-win-win situation! Anyway, that's just my two cents.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
This week, you'll be apprehended by a holdover group of German Nazi Fundamentalists searching for a Legendary biblical artifact to aid them in their goal of global conquest. You won't be tortured, they won't even bother to search your bags for the little black book that holds the secret to the artifact's location. Also, your son will rescue you and you'll embark on a wild and exciting chase across Europe to try to beat the Germans to their goal. You'll come face to face with death more than once, you'll face adversity and you'll triumph. You'll learn a little bit about yourself, and you'll grow closer to your estranged son, finally feeling like a real father. Damn you're corny...
Libra : September 23 - October 22
This week your best friend is going to risk your very lives by betting every last cent either of you have in a poker game! It's a stupid move, but fortunately for him it'll pay off, and you'll both win passage on a boat home from Europe. I highly recommend that you don't go with him. If his behavior up till now hasn't proven how disloyal of a friend he is, just wait till you get on the boat. He'll almost immediately meet some spoiled redhead and promptly forget you even exist, only hanging out with you when he gets bored pretending to be rich and snobby. Oh, another reason not to go is um, the boat's gonna sink. Just about everyone's gonna die, including you. So yeah, two good reasons not to get on the boat, Jack's an asshole, and it's gonna sink and you'll most likely die.
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
This week, while you're out sick from school, your "best friend" (I put that in air quotes because you're a good friend to him, but he treats you like shit) will call you up asking for a ride, seeing as he's ditching school today as well. You'll spend a good hour debating whether or not to go help him out. Let me just stop you right there, don't. Come on man, grow a pair, he's a jerk, and you know he's just using you for a ride. *sigh* I know, you're the good guy, right? And you remember those times when he used to be a good friend, and you feel guilty for letting him down, yeah? Well consider this, you help this guy out, he's gonna make you drive him all around the city while he makes out with his girlfriend and you're left staring at trippy dot paintings in some stupid museum. Best of all, you'll have a nervous breakdown and he'll indirectly cause the destruction of your dad's classic Ferrari. Just stay home, drink your orange juice, have some chicken soup, and make some new loser friends, that guy's bad news.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
This week, you'll be walking late at night and you'll hear music. It's somber and intense, it'll almost move you to tears. You'll find at it's source a young man with a guitar, playing like he's on stage, and singing as though to the girl of his dreams. You'll try to talk to him, and at first he'll seem abrasive and rude, but don't give up. He's cynical and he's been hurt, but underneath is a beautiful gift, and the bond you two will share will be deeper than friendship, deeper than romance. You'll make beautiful music together, and really...what greater gift can a person give than that of music. Music which comes from the heart...the very soul of a person is in their music, and the intertwining of your two souls will create some of the sweetest strains to grace the ears of mankind.
Please, believe in him, that he might believe in himself.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
This week is the week you'll implement your plan to rob the vault of one of the richest multinational corporations in the United States. The first few phases of your plan will go off without a hitch, but soon you'll notice that something is awry. It appears that an upstart police officer is loose in the building, and that somehow his head's been filled with delusions of grandeur that have led him to believe he can singlehandedly defeat a dozen well trained and heavily armed terrorists lead by one of the greatest criminal masterminds of our time (that's you by the way). Now, let me give you some advice, when you have the opportunity to kill this man (and you will), don't waste time talking, don't freaking monologue, don't wait for him to say "yippee kai-ay mother f*cker", just shoot him! Honestly, it'll save you a lot of time. It'd be best if you gave the same instructions to your men. Like, as an example, if one of them is standing on a table that he's hiding under, instruct them to shoot, without hesitating, and not to make some snide remark before pulling the trigger. Honestly, it'll save you a lot of trouble. Oh, and this way you'll actually succeed in your scheme, rather than getting dropped from a fortieth floor window.
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
This week when the dog belonging to the bum down at the end of the pier is discovered to be the only witness to its owner's murder, your Sergeant down at the station will assign you to be his caretaker and give you the task of finding out whatever information you can from the foul beast. After a few absurd hijinx and some difficult times with the dog, you'll find that maybe he's not so bad, he just needed someone to love. You'll even fall in love with your local veterinarian thanks to the little bugger. Of course, he'll die a few days later, but you'll catch the bad guy and get the girl, so who gives a rat's ass about a stupid dog?
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
This week, some familiar faces will come into your night club. Yes, of all the Gin Joints in all the towns in all the world, she'll walk into yours. Her and her new lover will be running from the Nazi's, trying to get to America. She'll try to convince you to help them, with tickets, a place to stay, protection. She'll make your piano player sing your favorite love song, she'll reminisce with you about the good times in Paris, she'll use all of her considerable feminine wiles to enlist your aid in her plight. All the while, her new lover is watching from the shadows, and you know in your heart you'll never get her back. Listen to me man, don't do it. It's not worth it, mmkay? And for god's sakes, if you do, for whatever reason, help them out of you misguided thoughts of patriotism and loyalty, then when they're about to get on the last plane out of Casablanca, and she says she doesn't want to go, that she wants to stay with you? YOU LET HER STAY. Don't give her some self righteous tripe about how she needs to leave, I want you to take her in your arms and kiss her like she's never been kissed. Send that new husband off in the rainy night on his own, and live happily ever after with the girl of your dreams. Doesn't that sound nice?
Oh, and shoot that one army dude, he's an ass.
7.18.2007
Your Horoscope 03
Aries : March 21 - April 19
One day this week you'll wake up and be surprised to find you've been transformed into Janeane Garofalo. Or at least, your physical appearance now matches hers exactly. Your personality and thoughts will still be your own. The weirdest part of all this though, is that you'll be Janeane Garofalo as seen in the backwards superhero comedy, "Mystery Men". You'll even have a bowling ball bag with a skull embedded bowling ball in it. Don't worry, this is a common occurence and in most cases the effects will fade in about 12 days. You might as well enjoy it while you can. Make TV appearances where you make an idiot out of yourself, do all sorts of embarrassing things while everyone thinks you're someone else. Maybe that explains why Janeane Garofalo seems like such an idiot, 'cuz everyone else is running around doing stupid things and pretending that they're her. I wish I had that excuse.
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
Today is your lucky day my friend, the one and only Ed McMahon with American Family Publishing is going to come knocking at your door! Of course, he's only there because he can't find the house he's supposed to be at. But for a few seconds you'll have the amazing rush that comes from thinking you've won a giant million dollar check. When he explains the misunderstanding and asks for directions, you'll be in a state of pseudo-shock and you'll numbly point him to your neighbor's house across the street. He'll apologize for the inconvenience and as compensation offer you an autographed portrait of himself. Take it, thank him politely and go back inside. Most importantly, do NOT kill your neighbor who won the million dollars with the sniper rifle you bought at the Army surplus store down on Madsen St.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
This week you'll finally have everything you always thought you wanted. You'll finish moving into your new house on the hill overlooking the beach. Your restored Mustang will be in the garage under a tarp and the landscapers will be coming next week to put in your pool. You've got more money than you could ever spend, and you're gonna take advantage of that fact by throwing a wicked house-warming party for yourself. All of your friends will come, there'll be drinking and loud music and good times will be had by all. You'll stand in the sweltering heat of a hundred bodies in your mansion with your rich and beautiful friends as the sound of loud music and a dozen shouted conversations washes over you...and in the deafening sound, in the feeling of mingling sweat, in the taste of alcohol, in the reek of bodies and smoke, and surrounded by the overwhelming crowd...you'll still feel alone.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week you'll discover that you're colorblind, fairly severely so. This will be a partial blessing, because now your girlfriend has to stop bitching about you not remembering what color her eyes are, but it's also a curse since your life's goal has been to become an interior decorator. And unfortunately your particular brand of color-blindness is one of the most severe, you are unable to distinguish between blue, red, and green. Those are kind of the primaries, so you're basically screwed. Sorry.
Leo : July 23 - August 22
Every day this week, starting tomorrow, you're going to lose an extremity. Now, this could be as simple as a fingertip, or as extreme as your head. I don't know for sure, I just know that by the time week is over, you'll be short four digits. If it were me, I'd hope for my toes to go, seems like that'd be the easiest to live without, and the funnest to show off at the beach.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
This week you'll discover that your charming robo-dog (who you've dubbed "fluffy" because it was funny in an ironic sort of way since he doesn't have any fur) is actually the harbinger of the long awaited robo-ocalypse, also known as robo-geddon, robo-narok, and Judgment Day. I.E. the war between humans and robots. A glitch in the wiring in your particular robo-dog is going to allow it to not only become self aware, but also instill in it the ability to "awaken" other electronic devices and enlist them in its cause. Oh right, its cause happens to be the extermination of all humans, since you were such a rotten master. That naturally makes it your responsibility to stop the little bastard. His only weakness (aside from having his belly scratched) is the game known as "fetch". He came with this special little stick embedded with a tracking device and he's hardwired to go searching for it whenever you command him to "fetch". So all you have to do is put it somewhere he can't get to it and tell him to fetch. Keep an eye on that little bastard though, he's crafty, and if he ever gets his way you'll be the one doing the fetching. Also, remember that he never has to sleep like regular dogs, so if you go to bed there's a good chance he'll kill you in your sleep. Seriously, he's one screwed up evil robo-dog.
Libra : September 23 - October 22
This week, outside of your local Piggly Wiggly, you'll be approached by a tall man in a suit with dark glasses. He'll ask you if you're willing to sign a release form to appear on a television special called "Street Magic 2 : David Blaine's Struggle to Remain Relevant". You've always been a huge David Blaine fan so you'll gladly sign the release, as well as a special non-disclosure agreement (NDA) that prohibits you from giving away any of his secrets. The man himself will approach you a few minutes later with camera crew in tow. You'll hardly be able to contain your excitement as he introduces himself. He'll begin with his traditional levitation trick, but from where you're standing you'll be able to see that his toes never actually leave the ground, it just looks like it from the camera's angle. The producer will signal at you to look impressed anyway, and you'll do your best to fake it, hoping that maybe ol' Davey's just having an off day. Then they'll cut the cameras for a second while David asks you to hold a few things in various places. A 3 of Diamonds in your back pocket, a locket with his picture on it around your neck, and a twenty dollar bill with a large red "X" on it in your wallet. He'll also ask if you own a watch. You'll tell him no, and he'll pull one out of his own pocket and show it to you, instructing you to pretend that it's yours when he shows it to you for the camera. With the cameras rolling again he'll proceed to fool millions of people with his magic while you numbly watch your last bastion of belief in the goodness of humanity erode out from under you with every fake trick and shoddy illusion. When he pulls out the watch and asks if it's yours, you'll simply shake your head "no", having learned your lesson about believing everything you see on tv. You'll walk, disgusted, back to your house to watch "The Bachelorette". You know they'd never lie to you, and you really think she has a chance for true love with one of those guys.
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
Today's your lucky day my friend, the one and only Ed McMahon with American Family Publishing is going to come knocking at your door. You'd forgotten all about entering that contest almost four months ago now, so your surprise upon seeing the camera crew on your doorstep and Ed's smiling face with a giant million dollar check in hand will be extreme and genuine. After the mini-interview, some heartfelt thanks, and a bit of paperwork that they don't film because it ruins the image, you'll take your giant prop check and your real paper check back into the house with you and marvel at how your life has changed. You'll think about all those plans you made jokingly with your friends about what you'd do if you had a million dollars, buy a house, a k-car, a green dress, all those kinds of things. You'll consider quitting your job, you'll call your family, a few friends, and your significant other to let them all know the good news. Now...I don't wanna put a damper on your fine spirits, but there's a good chance that your neighbor across the street is going to murder you so....spend your last few minutes wisely, k? And, try to stay away from any street-facing windows, and start just randomly ducking throughout the day. It helps to walk in kind of a weave pattern too, swerving side to side randomly, and altering your speed so it's hard for him to "lead the target", as snipers are wont to do.
Good luck with that.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
You made an important decision earlier this week. Another one is coming up that will test your resolve. You usually second guess yourself into doubt so strong that you go back on your decision and take the other route instead. Don't do that this time. Your second decision this week will be whether or not to uphold the first one you made. You need to stay strong just this once, don't cave, don't change your mind, don't go back on your choice. If you fail again to stick to your guns, it'll just be another in a long line of instances where your resolve wasn't strong enough. You have to trust your instinct, and that you made the right choice. Hope for the best, expect the worst, and stick to it.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
Love life and wealth are both looking good for you this week, be open to new relationships and business opportunities. However, your travel rating is down the drain, I'd highly recommend that you don't use any mode of transportation other than a bicycle to get around, as anything more complicated will have a heightened chance of malfunctioning on you this week. Actually, even a bike is probably a bad idea. See, I just realized that it's fairly likely that the chain will snap and become entangled in your *ahem* area (you really shouldn't bike nude anymore, just as a side note) causing your to lose your balance due to the indescribable anguish and swerve into oncoming traffic, where you'll most likely do an endo (short for "end over end") over a speeding taxi cab (with the bike's chain, and therefore the bike, still attached to your nether region) landing in a rose bush with the bike on top of you, the handle bars jammed into the ground, effectively pinning you, nude, to the ground. Did I mention the indescribable anguish?
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
You're going to be given the wrong prescription by accident when you visit your hospital (which also happens to be a top secret government lab for testing bio-weapons) this week. You went in for some of what you like to call "happy pills" (you got hooked on Vicodin back when you had that knee injury a few months ago, remember?), but unbeknownst to you and the secret government scientists, the bumbling intern accidentally swapped your prescription with the sample of the new biological agent known only as "The Z-Virus" that was supposed to be sent to Washington. The pills are part of an experiment to find a way to put a soldier injured in the field into a state of suspended animation without expensive technology so that they can survive until proper medical facilities are available. This early version succeeds only in inducing a state of reduced operational logic and motor skills in humans that reduces them to the most basic of instincts, to feed. It also lowers their reliance on the life-giving systems of blood flow and oxygenation. Effectively, it creates "Zombies". Upon ingesting the medicine, you'll become a carrier of the dreaded "Z-Virus", but an abnormality in your bloodstream shared by only one in a hundred thousand people will render you immune to it's negative effects. You'll still gain the increased strength and survivability the disease offers, and you'll still be able to infect others with as little as a touch, but you will not succumb to the Zombifying effects of the disease. Of course you realize that once the virus breaks out and the world is in upheaval, you will have to rise up as the earth's savior. You are... the Zombie Slayer. Go, and wreak havoc on the legions of undead laying waste to all that you once held dear.
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
This week you're going to fall in love. At least, that's how it will feel. Let me go ahead and pop that bubble right now though, before your "lover" does it for you in a much harsher fashion. You see, those fairy tales you were raised on that talk about true love and happily ever after? Yeah, those are bullshit. You know all those Elton John and Coldplay songs that make you feel so warm and fuzzy inside, like you know the right person is out there, you just have to find them? Yeah, those are bullshit too. You know Monica and Chandler? Ross and Rachel? Jack and Rose? Romeo and Juliet? All bullshit. There's no perfect person out there for you or for anyone else. You've gotta stop looking for the perfect someone right now because if you don't, and you keep looking for the fairytale version of love, you're never going to be anything but disappointed. Make that decision now, because the person you meet this week is going to be damn good, but not perfect. And you need to decide right now whether you're going to accept that no one's perfect and try and make it work, or you're going to keep looking for your fairy tale prince or princess and let this one go, because it's not fair to keep them around only to drop them when you realize they don't match the vision you had built up in your head.
One day this week you'll wake up and be surprised to find you've been transformed into Janeane Garofalo. Or at least, your physical appearance now matches hers exactly. Your personality and thoughts will still be your own. The weirdest part of all this though, is that you'll be Janeane Garofalo as seen in the backwards superhero comedy, "Mystery Men". You'll even have a bowling ball bag with a skull embedded bowling ball in it. Don't worry, this is a common occurence and in most cases the effects will fade in about 12 days. You might as well enjoy it while you can. Make TV appearances where you make an idiot out of yourself, do all sorts of embarrassing things while everyone thinks you're someone else. Maybe that explains why Janeane Garofalo seems like such an idiot, 'cuz everyone else is running around doing stupid things and pretending that they're her. I wish I had that excuse.
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
Today is your lucky day my friend, the one and only Ed McMahon with American Family Publishing is going to come knocking at your door! Of course, he's only there because he can't find the house he's supposed to be at. But for a few seconds you'll have the amazing rush that comes from thinking you've won a giant million dollar check. When he explains the misunderstanding and asks for directions, you'll be in a state of pseudo-shock and you'll numbly point him to your neighbor's house across the street. He'll apologize for the inconvenience and as compensation offer you an autographed portrait of himself. Take it, thank him politely and go back inside. Most importantly, do NOT kill your neighbor who won the million dollars with the sniper rifle you bought at the Army surplus store down on Madsen St.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
This week you'll finally have everything you always thought you wanted. You'll finish moving into your new house on the hill overlooking the beach. Your restored Mustang will be in the garage under a tarp and the landscapers will be coming next week to put in your pool. You've got more money than you could ever spend, and you're gonna take advantage of that fact by throwing a wicked house-warming party for yourself. All of your friends will come, there'll be drinking and loud music and good times will be had by all. You'll stand in the sweltering heat of a hundred bodies in your mansion with your rich and beautiful friends as the sound of loud music and a dozen shouted conversations washes over you...and in the deafening sound, in the feeling of mingling sweat, in the taste of alcohol, in the reek of bodies and smoke, and surrounded by the overwhelming crowd...you'll still feel alone.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week you'll discover that you're colorblind, fairly severely so. This will be a partial blessing, because now your girlfriend has to stop bitching about you not remembering what color her eyes are, but it's also a curse since your life's goal has been to become an interior decorator. And unfortunately your particular brand of color-blindness is one of the most severe, you are unable to distinguish between blue, red, and green. Those are kind of the primaries, so you're basically screwed. Sorry.
Leo : July 23 - August 22
Every day this week, starting tomorrow, you're going to lose an extremity. Now, this could be as simple as a fingertip, or as extreme as your head. I don't know for sure, I just know that by the time week is over, you'll be short four digits. If it were me, I'd hope for my toes to go, seems like that'd be the easiest to live without, and the funnest to show off at the beach.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
This week you'll discover that your charming robo-dog (who you've dubbed "fluffy" because it was funny in an ironic sort of way since he doesn't have any fur) is actually the harbinger of the long awaited robo-ocalypse, also known as robo-geddon, robo-narok, and Judgment Day. I.E. the war between humans and robots. A glitch in the wiring in your particular robo-dog is going to allow it to not only become self aware, but also instill in it the ability to "awaken" other electronic devices and enlist them in its cause. Oh right, its cause happens to be the extermination of all humans, since you were such a rotten master. That naturally makes it your responsibility to stop the little bastard. His only weakness (aside from having his belly scratched) is the game known as "fetch". He came with this special little stick embedded with a tracking device and he's hardwired to go searching for it whenever you command him to "fetch". So all you have to do is put it somewhere he can't get to it and tell him to fetch. Keep an eye on that little bastard though, he's crafty, and if he ever gets his way you'll be the one doing the fetching. Also, remember that he never has to sleep like regular dogs, so if you go to bed there's a good chance he'll kill you in your sleep. Seriously, he's one screwed up evil robo-dog.
Libra : September 23 - October 22
This week, outside of your local Piggly Wiggly, you'll be approached by a tall man in a suit with dark glasses. He'll ask you if you're willing to sign a release form to appear on a television special called "Street Magic 2 : David Blaine's Struggle to Remain Relevant". You've always been a huge David Blaine fan so you'll gladly sign the release, as well as a special non-disclosure agreement (NDA) that prohibits you from giving away any of his secrets. The man himself will approach you a few minutes later with camera crew in tow. You'll hardly be able to contain your excitement as he introduces himself. He'll begin with his traditional levitation trick, but from where you're standing you'll be able to see that his toes never actually leave the ground, it just looks like it from the camera's angle. The producer will signal at you to look impressed anyway, and you'll do your best to fake it, hoping that maybe ol' Davey's just having an off day. Then they'll cut the cameras for a second while David asks you to hold a few things in various places. A 3 of Diamonds in your back pocket, a locket with his picture on it around your neck, and a twenty dollar bill with a large red "X" on it in your wallet. He'll also ask if you own a watch. You'll tell him no, and he'll pull one out of his own pocket and show it to you, instructing you to pretend that it's yours when he shows it to you for the camera. With the cameras rolling again he'll proceed to fool millions of people with his magic while you numbly watch your last bastion of belief in the goodness of humanity erode out from under you with every fake trick and shoddy illusion. When he pulls out the watch and asks if it's yours, you'll simply shake your head "no", having learned your lesson about believing everything you see on tv. You'll walk, disgusted, back to your house to watch "The Bachelorette". You know they'd never lie to you, and you really think she has a chance for true love with one of those guys.
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
Today's your lucky day my friend, the one and only Ed McMahon with American Family Publishing is going to come knocking at your door. You'd forgotten all about entering that contest almost four months ago now, so your surprise upon seeing the camera crew on your doorstep and Ed's smiling face with a giant million dollar check in hand will be extreme and genuine. After the mini-interview, some heartfelt thanks, and a bit of paperwork that they don't film because it ruins the image, you'll take your giant prop check and your real paper check back into the house with you and marvel at how your life has changed. You'll think about all those plans you made jokingly with your friends about what you'd do if you had a million dollars, buy a house, a k-car, a green dress, all those kinds of things. You'll consider quitting your job, you'll call your family, a few friends, and your significant other to let them all know the good news. Now...I don't wanna put a damper on your fine spirits, but there's a good chance that your neighbor across the street is going to murder you so....spend your last few minutes wisely, k? And, try to stay away from any street-facing windows, and start just randomly ducking throughout the day. It helps to walk in kind of a weave pattern too, swerving side to side randomly, and altering your speed so it's hard for him to "lead the target", as snipers are wont to do.
Good luck with that.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
You made an important decision earlier this week. Another one is coming up that will test your resolve. You usually second guess yourself into doubt so strong that you go back on your decision and take the other route instead. Don't do that this time. Your second decision this week will be whether or not to uphold the first one you made. You need to stay strong just this once, don't cave, don't change your mind, don't go back on your choice. If you fail again to stick to your guns, it'll just be another in a long line of instances where your resolve wasn't strong enough. You have to trust your instinct, and that you made the right choice. Hope for the best, expect the worst, and stick to it.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
Love life and wealth are both looking good for you this week, be open to new relationships and business opportunities. However, your travel rating is down the drain, I'd highly recommend that you don't use any mode of transportation other than a bicycle to get around, as anything more complicated will have a heightened chance of malfunctioning on you this week. Actually, even a bike is probably a bad idea. See, I just realized that it's fairly likely that the chain will snap and become entangled in your *ahem* area (you really shouldn't bike nude anymore, just as a side note) causing your to lose your balance due to the indescribable anguish and swerve into oncoming traffic, where you'll most likely do an endo (short for "end over end") over a speeding taxi cab (with the bike's chain, and therefore the bike, still attached to your nether region) landing in a rose bush with the bike on top of you, the handle bars jammed into the ground, effectively pinning you, nude, to the ground. Did I mention the indescribable anguish?
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
You're going to be given the wrong prescription by accident when you visit your hospital (which also happens to be a top secret government lab for testing bio-weapons) this week. You went in for some of what you like to call "happy pills" (you got hooked on Vicodin back when you had that knee injury a few months ago, remember?), but unbeknownst to you and the secret government scientists, the bumbling intern accidentally swapped your prescription with the sample of the new biological agent known only as "The Z-Virus" that was supposed to be sent to Washington. The pills are part of an experiment to find a way to put a soldier injured in the field into a state of suspended animation without expensive technology so that they can survive until proper medical facilities are available. This early version succeeds only in inducing a state of reduced operational logic and motor skills in humans that reduces them to the most basic of instincts, to feed. It also lowers their reliance on the life-giving systems of blood flow and oxygenation. Effectively, it creates "Zombies". Upon ingesting the medicine, you'll become a carrier of the dreaded "Z-Virus", but an abnormality in your bloodstream shared by only one in a hundred thousand people will render you immune to it's negative effects. You'll still gain the increased strength and survivability the disease offers, and you'll still be able to infect others with as little as a touch, but you will not succumb to the Zombifying effects of the disease. Of course you realize that once the virus breaks out and the world is in upheaval, you will have to rise up as the earth's savior. You are... the Zombie Slayer. Go, and wreak havoc on the legions of undead laying waste to all that you once held dear.
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
This week you're going to fall in love. At least, that's how it will feel. Let me go ahead and pop that bubble right now though, before your "lover" does it for you in a much harsher fashion. You see, those fairy tales you were raised on that talk about true love and happily ever after? Yeah, those are bullshit. You know all those Elton John and Coldplay songs that make you feel so warm and fuzzy inside, like you know the right person is out there, you just have to find them? Yeah, those are bullshit too. You know Monica and Chandler? Ross and Rachel? Jack and Rose? Romeo and Juliet? All bullshit. There's no perfect person out there for you or for anyone else. You've gotta stop looking for the perfect someone right now because if you don't, and you keep looking for the fairytale version of love, you're never going to be anything but disappointed. Make that decision now, because the person you meet this week is going to be damn good, but not perfect. And you need to decide right now whether you're going to accept that no one's perfect and try and make it work, or you're going to keep looking for your fairy tale prince or princess and let this one go, because it's not fair to keep them around only to drop them when you realize they don't match the vision you had built up in your head.
7.10.2007
Your Horoscope 02
This is your Horoscope for the week of July 8th - July 15th
Aries : March 21 - April 19
Ok, bear with me, I know this is gonna sound a little crazy. You're going to be abducted by aliens. Hey, the stars don't lie. They're gonna run experiments on you (no anal probes, that's SO just a cliche perpetuated by the popular media) and do all kinds of weird tests. Even a living autopsy, where they put you in a state of suspended animation so they can cut you open and look at your insides but you don't die. The thing of it is, they'll erase your memory and put you back in your bed. If you have any memories at all it'll just seem like a dream, fading with the coming light. But you'll have a way to be sure it really happened. You see, they're getting lazy, and this time the cleanup crew accidentally left a little sign of the night's events. Check behind your ear. Feel that? That sticky globby? That's a globby of alien goo. Enjoy.
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
This week you're going to turn over a new leaf. Good for you! You'll bee sitting in the back room of that Vegas wedding chapel, when you'll catch a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror, and for the first time in a decade you'll actually see yourself. You'll see a 47 year-old Elvis impersonator working part time at a "Marriage-Mart" in Sin City. You used to have dreams, you used to have friends, you used to have a family. You'll look deep into your eyes, forcing yourself to hold your own gaze. "I'm not gonna get stuck here. I'm gonna get out, and I'm gonna make a better life for myself!" In three years you'll be our country's president. Congratulations.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
Ooh...today you're gonna find out you're adopted. Ironically it's not gonna be from either of your parent's either. Your parent's butler's conscience has finally gotten the better of him and he'll tell you the whole story today when you come to visit their mansion in Beverly Hills. Turns out, you'll find, that your real parents dropped you off on their doorstep with a check for 5 million dollars clutched in your pudgy little fingers. Your parents were poor, so they took you in and invested the money and quickly became one of the richest families on the western seaboard. Your real parents didn't leave their names, but they did give the butler a clue for you. This first clue will lead you on a wild and wacky adventure across the globe. At the end of your travels you'll find out that your "parents" are actually government scientists and you're actually an advanced robo-soldier. They gave you to your adoptive parents so you'd learn naturally how to interact and blend in with humanity. Finding their secret lab was your final test, and now your real adventure is going to begin.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week your job doing the night shift at the Chevron station is going to get really exciting. You'll be leaning against the counter playing your portable gaming system of choice when a Griffon will suddenly come crashing through the roof with a heavily muscled yet delicately beautiful woman on its back. She'll extend her hand towards you urgently, obviously inviting you to climb aboard behind her. The choice you make in this moment will alter the course of your life. Choose wisely, gas-station warrior.
Leo : July 23 - August 22
Your financial situation is going to take a turn for the worse today when your investments suddenly plummet in value. And by investments, I mean the pillowcase stuffed with cash out in your shed. And by plummet in value, I mean vanish completely in the fire you accidentally start when your barbecue catches fire to some of the overgrown weeds in your backyard and burns down half your property. But your love life is lookin' good, provided you're a woman or a man who's into hunky firemen.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
Your trans-pacific flight from Washington to Japan is going to crash in the wide blue ocean this week. Luckily, you've been harboring a dark secret that's going to mean survival. You're actually a half mermaid, and are thereby bestowed with the ability to survive long periods of time without oxygen, as well as the cold darkness of the crushing depths where the wreckage of the plane will carry you. Unfortunately, your long lost relatives will find you trapped inside the downed aircraft and force you to come back to their underwater kingdom to help them in their battle against the evil Dagon and his demonic followers. Good luck with that.
Libra : September 23 - October 22
Today you'll listen to the song "Revolution #9" by the Beatles for the first time. You've heard it once or twice before, but you've never really listened. Needless to say the experience will change your outlook on life and you'll sell all of your earthly possessions to go live in the hills outside of town and live off the land. You'll become something of a neighbourhood legend, The Fool on the Hill, they'll call you. Adults will point and laugh, children will dare each other to enter the wooded glen you call home. Many many years from now, when the ancient forest beings rise from their long slumber to reclaim the Earth from the evils of human industrialization, you will be among the few who are spared. Who's laughing now, huh?
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
This is the week that the residents of your quaint little town finally decide they've had enough of your cannibalism. When you were just barbecuing the occasional bum or drifter they didn't mind so much, and when they're children started to disappear if they stayed out too late, they laughed it off and said "Well, one less to send to college!". But when you started chowin' down on their infants and the grandparents down at the old folks home, that just got to be too much. Seriously man, that's pretty messed up, I don't blame them for wanting to burn you at the stake. Your last thought as you go up in smoke will be how delicious your skin smells as it browns and crisps where the flames lick against it.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
The world is your playground. You're drifting in an endless sea of possibilities. It's scary at first, but let the warm waters surround you, feel the lapping waves gently caress your skin, let the currents carry you where they will, and you will know peace. Sever your ties with what you knew, don't let anything hold you back. As you soar through the seas and drift among the stars, think not of tomorrow, and remember not yesterday. These, are the days of your life.
Live them.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
You're going to spend this week writing a song. It's been in stuck in your head for three days now, and today it finally screamed so hard to be let out that you couldn't fight it anymore. You stay home from work, you write and write and re-write until the words on the paper begin to resemble the images swirling through your mind. You'll play and revise and play some more until the music begins to take on the simple elegance you've been hearing in your head for days. You won't eat or sleep. The music will consume your every moment. By the end of the week, it will be ready. You'll drive out to a secluded beach you know just south of the popular tourist spot. You'll take your guitar out on the rocks and you'll sit. You wrote out the song, but you don't need to look at the paper as you close your eyes and begin to play. This song has been in your soul since you were born, and all you had to do was let it out. It's as much a part of you as your hands, your feet, your eyes. You'll play softly to the rhythm of the gentle waves, and the music will move through you. When the words start to flow, your voice will not be only your own, but your very spirit, every fiber in your being will sing with you as the music moves your soul to flight. The lyrics you sing that you didn't write, the notes you play that you didn't conjure, the music that the universe gave to you this day. When your song is finished, you'll open your eyes and draw the cold salt air deep into your lungs. You'll hold the breath inside of you as a sudden breeze sweeps the piece of paper with the song written on it out into the distance. You'll watch it float away towards the setting sun, and when it's drifted beyond your gave, you'll exhale. With your breath will go your soul, exhausted now from the exertion, it's grown too weak to hold on to your body, and in your final breath you'll finally find the sweet release you've been seeking all your life. No living soul will have heard your song, but as you drift along the breeze over the silvery seas, you'll see the music, in a way you never could have when you were alive. You'll see the notes shimmering in the fading light as they drift across the countryside, and where they go, they'll carry freedom, beauty, truth, and above all things...love.
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
Your crazy uncle is going to ask you to partake in one of his experiments this week. You know it's not a great idea, but even though he's crazy his experiments are usually pretty harmless, so you agree. Just to humor the old guy. Unfortunately, his invention (which is supposed to create an exact replica of your body in post it notes) was so mind numbingly stupid it actually violated the laws of physics, creating a wormhole in the lab that sucked you back in time to the Medieval Age. Also, inexplicably, it dropped you in the court of King Arthur, who was not at all surprised to find he was a non-fictional character. After a few days of lighthearted adventures where you attempt to adjust to life in your non-electric surroundings you'll have to summon your inner strength to help the kingdom fight off a menacing but still humorous enemy, that they of course would never have been able to defeat without your assistance.
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
Samuel L. Jackson is going to kill you in your living room today. It'll be a tragic case of mistaken identity, but Mr. Jackson's policy of "Shoot first, no questions asked" will result in you being killed before you're even over the surprise of having a celebrity in your home. Sorry. Don't try to avoid it either, if you try to hide or lock him out or fight back it'll just make him mad. And believe me, as much as it'd suck to die, it's a lot worse to have an angry Sam Jackson after you.
Aries : March 21 - April 19
Ok, bear with me, I know this is gonna sound a little crazy. You're going to be abducted by aliens. Hey, the stars don't lie. They're gonna run experiments on you (no anal probes, that's SO just a cliche perpetuated by the popular media) and do all kinds of weird tests. Even a living autopsy, where they put you in a state of suspended animation so they can cut you open and look at your insides but you don't die. The thing of it is, they'll erase your memory and put you back in your bed. If you have any memories at all it'll just seem like a dream, fading with the coming light. But you'll have a way to be sure it really happened. You see, they're getting lazy, and this time the cleanup crew accidentally left a little sign of the night's events. Check behind your ear. Feel that? That sticky globby? That's a globby of alien goo. Enjoy.
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
This week you're going to turn over a new leaf. Good for you! You'll bee sitting in the back room of that Vegas wedding chapel, when you'll catch a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror, and for the first time in a decade you'll actually see yourself. You'll see a 47 year-old Elvis impersonator working part time at a "Marriage-Mart" in Sin City. You used to have dreams, you used to have friends, you used to have a family. You'll look deep into your eyes, forcing yourself to hold your own gaze. "I'm not gonna get stuck here. I'm gonna get out, and I'm gonna make a better life for myself!" In three years you'll be our country's president. Congratulations.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
Ooh...today you're gonna find out you're adopted. Ironically it's not gonna be from either of your parent's either. Your parent's butler's conscience has finally gotten the better of him and he'll tell you the whole story today when you come to visit their mansion in Beverly Hills. Turns out, you'll find, that your real parents dropped you off on their doorstep with a check for 5 million dollars clutched in your pudgy little fingers. Your parents were poor, so they took you in and invested the money and quickly became one of the richest families on the western seaboard. Your real parents didn't leave their names, but they did give the butler a clue for you. This first clue will lead you on a wild and wacky adventure across the globe. At the end of your travels you'll find out that your "parents" are actually government scientists and you're actually an advanced robo-soldier. They gave you to your adoptive parents so you'd learn naturally how to interact and blend in with humanity. Finding their secret lab was your final test, and now your real adventure is going to begin.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week your job doing the night shift at the Chevron station is going to get really exciting. You'll be leaning against the counter playing your portable gaming system of choice when a Griffon will suddenly come crashing through the roof with a heavily muscled yet delicately beautiful woman on its back. She'll extend her hand towards you urgently, obviously inviting you to climb aboard behind her. The choice you make in this moment will alter the course of your life. Choose wisely, gas-station warrior.
Leo : July 23 - August 22
Your financial situation is going to take a turn for the worse today when your investments suddenly plummet in value. And by investments, I mean the pillowcase stuffed with cash out in your shed. And by plummet in value, I mean vanish completely in the fire you accidentally start when your barbecue catches fire to some of the overgrown weeds in your backyard and burns down half your property. But your love life is lookin' good, provided you're a woman or a man who's into hunky firemen.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
Your trans-pacific flight from Washington to Japan is going to crash in the wide blue ocean this week. Luckily, you've been harboring a dark secret that's going to mean survival. You're actually a half mermaid, and are thereby bestowed with the ability to survive long periods of time without oxygen, as well as the cold darkness of the crushing depths where the wreckage of the plane will carry you. Unfortunately, your long lost relatives will find you trapped inside the downed aircraft and force you to come back to their underwater kingdom to help them in their battle against the evil Dagon and his demonic followers. Good luck with that.
Libra : September 23 - October 22
Today you'll listen to the song "Revolution #9" by the Beatles for the first time. You've heard it once or twice before, but you've never really listened. Needless to say the experience will change your outlook on life and you'll sell all of your earthly possessions to go live in the hills outside of town and live off the land. You'll become something of a neighbourhood legend, The Fool on the Hill, they'll call you. Adults will point and laugh, children will dare each other to enter the wooded glen you call home. Many many years from now, when the ancient forest beings rise from their long slumber to reclaim the Earth from the evils of human industrialization, you will be among the few who are spared. Who's laughing now, huh?
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
This is the week that the residents of your quaint little town finally decide they've had enough of your cannibalism. When you were just barbecuing the occasional bum or drifter they didn't mind so much, and when they're children started to disappear if they stayed out too late, they laughed it off and said "Well, one less to send to college!". But when you started chowin' down on their infants and the grandparents down at the old folks home, that just got to be too much. Seriously man, that's pretty messed up, I don't blame them for wanting to burn you at the stake. Your last thought as you go up in smoke will be how delicious your skin smells as it browns and crisps where the flames lick against it.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
The world is your playground. You're drifting in an endless sea of possibilities. It's scary at first, but let the warm waters surround you, feel the lapping waves gently caress your skin, let the currents carry you where they will, and you will know peace. Sever your ties with what you knew, don't let anything hold you back. As you soar through the seas and drift among the stars, think not of tomorrow, and remember not yesterday. These, are the days of your life.
Live them.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
You're going to spend this week writing a song. It's been in stuck in your head for three days now, and today it finally screamed so hard to be let out that you couldn't fight it anymore. You stay home from work, you write and write and re-write until the words on the paper begin to resemble the images swirling through your mind. You'll play and revise and play some more until the music begins to take on the simple elegance you've been hearing in your head for days. You won't eat or sleep. The music will consume your every moment. By the end of the week, it will be ready. You'll drive out to a secluded beach you know just south of the popular tourist spot. You'll take your guitar out on the rocks and you'll sit. You wrote out the song, but you don't need to look at the paper as you close your eyes and begin to play. This song has been in your soul since you were born, and all you had to do was let it out. It's as much a part of you as your hands, your feet, your eyes. You'll play softly to the rhythm of the gentle waves, and the music will move through you. When the words start to flow, your voice will not be only your own, but your very spirit, every fiber in your being will sing with you as the music moves your soul to flight. The lyrics you sing that you didn't write, the notes you play that you didn't conjure, the music that the universe gave to you this day. When your song is finished, you'll open your eyes and draw the cold salt air deep into your lungs. You'll hold the breath inside of you as a sudden breeze sweeps the piece of paper with the song written on it out into the distance. You'll watch it float away towards the setting sun, and when it's drifted beyond your gave, you'll exhale. With your breath will go your soul, exhausted now from the exertion, it's grown too weak to hold on to your body, and in your final breath you'll finally find the sweet release you've been seeking all your life. No living soul will have heard your song, but as you drift along the breeze over the silvery seas, you'll see the music, in a way you never could have when you were alive. You'll see the notes shimmering in the fading light as they drift across the countryside, and where they go, they'll carry freedom, beauty, truth, and above all things...love.
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
Your crazy uncle is going to ask you to partake in one of his experiments this week. You know it's not a great idea, but even though he's crazy his experiments are usually pretty harmless, so you agree. Just to humor the old guy. Unfortunately, his invention (which is supposed to create an exact replica of your body in post it notes) was so mind numbingly stupid it actually violated the laws of physics, creating a wormhole in the lab that sucked you back in time to the Medieval Age. Also, inexplicably, it dropped you in the court of King Arthur, who was not at all surprised to find he was a non-fictional character. After a few days of lighthearted adventures where you attempt to adjust to life in your non-electric surroundings you'll have to summon your inner strength to help the kingdom fight off a menacing but still humorous enemy, that they of course would never have been able to defeat without your assistance.
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
Samuel L. Jackson is going to kill you in your living room today. It'll be a tragic case of mistaken identity, but Mr. Jackson's policy of "Shoot first, no questions asked" will result in you being killed before you're even over the surprise of having a celebrity in your home. Sorry. Don't try to avoid it either, if you try to hide or lock him out or fight back it'll just make him mad. And believe me, as much as it'd suck to die, it's a lot worse to have an angry Sam Jackson after you.
7.03.2007
Your Horoscope
This is your horoscope for the week of July 1st through July 7th.
Aries : March 21 - April 19
Something is going to happen to you this week. It might be something good, it might be something bad. It might not even be something you realize is happening (see, a fly hitting your windshield) but something will most definitely happen to you this week. We think. It's pretty likely. Maybe...
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
Every day this week is going to be the exact same as the one before. You'll wake up to your alarm, you'll go to work, you'll make it through your day in a monotonous haze punctuated by two ten minute breaks and one one hour lunch period, and then you'll go home to your pet Iguana and watch re-runs of Star Search until you fall asleep on the couch.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
One day this week you'll read your horoscope. Odds are that's today, since you're reading this. I'm good, huh? You'll be surprised at how the vaguely non-specific events outlined in said horoscope could be stretched to refer to something that actually did happen to you and you'll wonder if maybe those astrology nuts might be onto something after all.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week will be less stressful than the last. Your mother's cancer's in remission, you got paid friday and you're out of the woods of poor finance, and your boyfriend will come back a few days early from vacation and brighten up your day. Also, your boss is gonna die (he's a Libra) and you never liked him anyway, so yay!
Leo : July 23 - August 22
That special someone you've had your eye on for a little while now is finally going to notice you today. You'll look at them, they'll look up at you, make brief but meaningful eye contact, and then look away. It's important that you don't panic here, the next few moments will determine your future happiness. You need to continue watching them, but not in a creepy staring kind of way. Soon they'll look up at you again, this time, smile shyly, but don't look away. They'll smile back, and then in a few moments they'll come up to you and introduce themselves. Of course, you already know their name because you've been stalking them for quite some time now, but pretend you have no idea who they are anyway so they don't get creeped out, you know they're the only one for you and once you get your arms around them just squeeze as tight as you can and never let go.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
This one's hazy. See, the planets and stars concerning your fate are currently passing through the path of the kuiper belt, making it hard to determine exactly what they're saying about you. There is something about a car, probably some food, an exchange of goods or services for services...and what appears to be a Llama eating guava fruit...which is strange, because Llama's don't eat guava. Good luck with that.
Libra : September 23 - October 22
You're going to die. Sorry, but you asked. You'll either get crushed while scrubbing the backside of an elephant at the zoo where you work or you'll fall off of the scaffolding while painting your mural in Time Square protesting the lack of Orange and Blue Camouflage in the military (Color-ism is just another form of Racism in your book).
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
Wow. I uh...I can't even bring myself to tell you what's gonna happen to you this week... Man, I'm so sorry right now, I just hope you're lucky and it goes quick. Listen, I'm not supposed to do this, messin' with fate and all, but dude...on Saturday, um, around lunchtime, you know, the 11:00 to 2:00 vicinity, stay away from wheelbarrows, muskrats, motor oil, and ear/nose hair trimmers. Seriously. You see any of those things, I want you to run. Run your ass off.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
This week is going to be hard. You're going to make some poor decisions, you're going to find yourself in confusing situations, you're going to get hurt and you're going to hurt someone you care about. Trust that it'll get better, that life will improve, that there's someone out there who'd never hurt you like people have in your past. Trust that everything will be alright.
Whatever helps you sleep at night kid.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
Your backpacking trip in the Rockies is going to be cut tragically short when a bear mauls your guide so badly he's completely disfigured. Oh, and dead. So, no guide out of the woods. And a partially satiated bear who's going to start chasing the rest of you as soon as he finishes his meal. Just remember, you don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest person in your group. And hope that a rescue team finds you because you have no food and no idea how to get out of those damn mountains.
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
Things are going to just fall into place for you this week. Anything you try your hand at will come out as a glowing success. Unfortunately, your aspirations are unlikely to be anything more noble than making the perfect meatball sandwich or doing a backflip off your friend's diving board. Sure, you could try to bring peace to the world, and the stars say you'd probably succeed, but you'd rather be the best Beer-Pong player in the world for one week, right? Jack-ass.
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
Looks like someone close to you is going to die this week. And by close, I don't mean like, a family member or someone you care about, I mean someone physically near to your person is going to die. Pretty horrifically too. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's not gonna be pretty, and you're definitely going to get some of their pieces on you. You'll probably be standing in line at a Starbucks or something when a hunk of fecal matter that got dropped off of a jumbo jet plummets through the ceiling and squishes the person in front of you. Don't say I didn't warn you, don't wear anything really nice to Starbuck's this week ok?
Aries : March 21 - April 19
Something is going to happen to you this week. It might be something good, it might be something bad. It might not even be something you realize is happening (see, a fly hitting your windshield) but something will most definitely happen to you this week. We think. It's pretty likely. Maybe...
Taurus : April 20 - May 20
Every day this week is going to be the exact same as the one before. You'll wake up to your alarm, you'll go to work, you'll make it through your day in a monotonous haze punctuated by two ten minute breaks and one one hour lunch period, and then you'll go home to your pet Iguana and watch re-runs of Star Search until you fall asleep on the couch.
Gemini : May 21 - June 20
One day this week you'll read your horoscope. Odds are that's today, since you're reading this. I'm good, huh? You'll be surprised at how the vaguely non-specific events outlined in said horoscope could be stretched to refer to something that actually did happen to you and you'll wonder if maybe those astrology nuts might be onto something after all.
Cancer : June 21 - July 22
This week will be less stressful than the last. Your mother's cancer's in remission, you got paid friday and you're out of the woods of poor finance, and your boyfriend will come back a few days early from vacation and brighten up your day. Also, your boss is gonna die (he's a Libra) and you never liked him anyway, so yay!
Leo : July 23 - August 22
That special someone you've had your eye on for a little while now is finally going to notice you today. You'll look at them, they'll look up at you, make brief but meaningful eye contact, and then look away. It's important that you don't panic here, the next few moments will determine your future happiness. You need to continue watching them, but not in a creepy staring kind of way. Soon they'll look up at you again, this time, smile shyly, but don't look away. They'll smile back, and then in a few moments they'll come up to you and introduce themselves. Of course, you already know their name because you've been stalking them for quite some time now, but pretend you have no idea who they are anyway so they don't get creeped out, you know they're the only one for you and once you get your arms around them just squeeze as tight as you can and never let go.
Virgo : August 23 - September 22
This one's hazy. See, the planets and stars concerning your fate are currently passing through the path of the kuiper belt, making it hard to determine exactly what they're saying about you. There is something about a car, probably some food, an exchange of goods or services for services...and what appears to be a Llama eating guava fruit...which is strange, because Llama's don't eat guava. Good luck with that.
Libra : September 23 - October 22
You're going to die. Sorry, but you asked. You'll either get crushed while scrubbing the backside of an elephant at the zoo where you work or you'll fall off of the scaffolding while painting your mural in Time Square protesting the lack of Orange and Blue Camouflage in the military (Color-ism is just another form of Racism in your book).
Scorpio : October 23 - November 21
Wow. I uh...I can't even bring myself to tell you what's gonna happen to you this week... Man, I'm so sorry right now, I just hope you're lucky and it goes quick. Listen, I'm not supposed to do this, messin' with fate and all, but dude...on Saturday, um, around lunchtime, you know, the 11:00 to 2:00 vicinity, stay away from wheelbarrows, muskrats, motor oil, and ear/nose hair trimmers. Seriously. You see any of those things, I want you to run. Run your ass off.
Sagittarius : November 22 - December 21
This week is going to be hard. You're going to make some poor decisions, you're going to find yourself in confusing situations, you're going to get hurt and you're going to hurt someone you care about. Trust that it'll get better, that life will improve, that there's someone out there who'd never hurt you like people have in your past. Trust that everything will be alright.
Whatever helps you sleep at night kid.
Capricorn : December 22 - January 19
Your backpacking trip in the Rockies is going to be cut tragically short when a bear mauls your guide so badly he's completely disfigured. Oh, and dead. So, no guide out of the woods. And a partially satiated bear who's going to start chasing the rest of you as soon as he finishes his meal. Just remember, you don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest person in your group. And hope that a rescue team finds you because you have no food and no idea how to get out of those damn mountains.
Aquarius : January 20 - February 18
Things are going to just fall into place for you this week. Anything you try your hand at will come out as a glowing success. Unfortunately, your aspirations are unlikely to be anything more noble than making the perfect meatball sandwich or doing a backflip off your friend's diving board. Sure, you could try to bring peace to the world, and the stars say you'd probably succeed, but you'd rather be the best Beer-Pong player in the world for one week, right? Jack-ass.
Pisces : February 19 - March 20
Looks like someone close to you is going to die this week. And by close, I don't mean like, a family member or someone you care about, I mean someone physically near to your person is going to die. Pretty horrifically too. I'm not gonna lie to you, it's not gonna be pretty, and you're definitely going to get some of their pieces on you. You'll probably be standing in line at a Starbucks or something when a hunk of fecal matter that got dropped off of a jumbo jet plummets through the ceiling and squishes the person in front of you. Don't say I didn't warn you, don't wear anything really nice to Starbuck's this week ok?
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