You Should Have Dumped Her In Pittsburgh

You don't live in Pittsburgh. In fact, you've never even been there, and the only time she was there was for a Star Trek convention her last boyfriend dragged her to over five years ago.

No, you two have never been to Pittsburgh, but you are something of a movie buff. You've always had a knack for remembering movie lines too, word for word even. You're secretly proud of it, even though it only really serves to annoy people. Loser.

Anyway, about six months ago you met this amazing girl. Your opener was "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, you walked into mine." and inexplicably, it worked. And when you used to answer every request by saying "As you wish", her knees turned to putty. The very first time she told you she loved you, and you responded "I know", she didn't slap you in the face and call you an arrogant prick like your last girlfriend. She kissed you long and hard, as though you'd just been freed from a carbonite prison.

And when you were lying on the beach, looking up at the stars, and you said "I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be", she didn't even balk at being called another woman's name, she just snuggled in that much closer to you and held you till the morning.

It's only fitting then that now...at the bottom of everything, when all the love is gone and you can barely stand to look at eachother...when the only feeling stronger than the emptiness is the anger at having wasted so much time...when you're sitting on your ottoman, staring away from her, out the window, like you don't care if she goes or stays...when she's standing behind you with her suitcase in hand, hoping for a sign, praying that you'll say something to make her stay, some kind of clue that it was ever real...when she sheds a single tear, turns away, and walks out the front door...it's only fitting, that as the door is about to slam shut behind her for the last time, you lift your head and shout, "I should have dumped you in Pittsburgh!"